ForgottenWoman

Honest Reflections on Tough Moments

I began to feel it around 7:00 pm. At first, it felt like a tiny speck of sadness but within minutes it felt like a train was sitting on my chest. I wasn’t alone when it first started but within minutes I was in the driver’s seat of my own vehicle and began to weep in great convulsive sobs from deep inside. It was uncontrollable – the kind of thing that you are suddenly grateful that you are alone experiencing. “What is happening?” is all that I could think and once the uncontrollable sobs became normal hard crying, I began to say, “Lord, what is wrong with me? What is THIS?”

I won’t get into the philosophical things that I began to consider and question and I’ll tell you honestly that I don’t have the answers that I’m seeking at this point. What I do know is this: 23 years ago tonight I was rushed into an operating room with nurses and doctors standing around me seemingly saying, “We’re going to do all that we can,” but understanding that they thought they were probably saying, “Goodbye!”

All I could think about was my 8 children, my husband, my extended family – those whom I believed loved me. What my family and I had anticipated, been warned about and had feared for months was happening.

There are many things in my life that I feel deeply on the anniversaries ‘of’. In counseling, we talk about the fact that the body remembers and sometimes it reminds us of exactly how we felt in the moment of the traumatic experience. Tonight, I cannot help but wonder if my body is remembering the fear, the trauma of September 12 going into September 13 of 2003. As I try to share here, I still feel emotionally fragile (though I’m not sobbing uncontrollably at the moment) and I feel a tiny bit sick and overwhelmingly exhausted.

The truth is that for the days, weeks, months and years that have followed September 13, 2003 I’ve been very much in survival mode in many areas of my life. Tending to my emotional healing hasn’t been a consideration. Doing my best to take care of my family was priority. As far as the trauma of the year 2003, all I’ve focused on is the joy of the miracles of the life of our Christian and my own survival of his birth. And that joy is great and worth celebrating.

But tonight, I think for the first time, much of what has been buried for 23 years is surfacing. Yes, the Lord has been doing a lot of healing in my life over the past several years and one thing I’ve become very aware of is that many hurts, wounds, and traumatic moments have been buried as I pushed to survive. You know: what we call survival mode. It’s quite possible that it has taken until now for me to be able to feel all that is related to my 9th pregnancy and the birth – and begin the healing from the trauma surrounding the experience. I don’t know. I guess I am doing a little philosophying – just trying to figure out what is happening right now!

So, on this eve of celebrating Christian’s 23rd birthday, I’m spending some extra time with my Father – where do we go when we are overwhelmed, when we are experiencing emotional upheaval that we cannot control? We go to the shelter of the Almighty and we abide there.