ForgottenWoman

July 27 Comes Every Year…

Here we are again, walking through an anniversary that stirs every emotion imaginable within me! It was exactly 39 years ago, on a Sunday much like today, that my two eldest boys and I spent our last moments with my husband, their father. Every year, I experience the truth that the body, the mind, the emotions really do have memories beyond anything I would understand if I hadn’t lived it for the past 39 years!

I’ve wondered over the past 24 hours or so if it’s because the days of the week line up with the dates this year, or if my intentional work to understand more of what’s taken place in my life has made me more aware. I can’t say. But I can say that yesterday I was contemplative all day long. My memories of the last Saturday together were vivid – my trip to the pediatrician with the babies, the decision for us to stay home from the youth meeting where Jonnie would be speaking because of their sickness, his returning home hours before I expected him; saying that he wanted to spend the evening with me. All of it ran continually through my mind as I walked through yesterday and especially last night.

Maybe it’s because of my work on gratitude this year, but one thing I noticed was that, for the first time in all these years, I was able to write down in my journal the specific moments of that day and night that I am so thankful for! The memories bring smiles in the midst of the tears of loss and missing Jonnie’s presence in our daily lives.

This afternoon, as I sat down with my Gratitude Journal, I began writing and discovered that the decisions that were made on that Sunday morning 39 years ago weren’t easy ones. I remember getting off of the phone with my father and telling Jonnie that my grandfather was very ill and Dad wondered if I could come see him. Remembering and writing in my journal today reminded me of how willing and unselfish Jonnie was to load us up and drive us the 2 1/2 hours to my grandparents, visit with them for a while, and then drive back to the camp to be there for his responsibilities on Monday.

I remember the laughter during the drive, buying Joey his first McDonald’s cheeseburger and listening to him recite the Scripture verses he had been memorizing for his daddy. I laughed out loud when I remembered Jonnie turning to me and taking my hand – thanking me for what I was teaching our son. That memory gave me strength for many years to come.

I smiled as I remembered his last wink and “I love you,” before he drove away. I even remember the sadness I felt as I watched him leave – not even realizing I would never look into his eyes again. Those memories filled me with gratitude today, and I thanked the Lord that he loved us well, that he unselfishly took care of us, and that we had those hours together on that last day – just the 4 of us!

Tomorrow, the 27th, I’m sure will bring many more physical reminders. I usually feel exhausted on this date – often get physically sick on my stomach like I did when I received the initial phone call – and will feel like I’m walking through the motions of the day, but this year, I want to do more than survive the date. I want to continue to remember all that I have to be thankful for through the tears. To have been loved as he loved me. To have the two sons who remind me of him every single day – and whom he would be so proud of today. To know that his legacy and life have had an impact on my other 7 children as well! To know that God has truly sustained us through many years and through many of life’s hard things.

I’m going to focus this year on the moment when I looked down and saw these two babies and said the words, “Lord, you did this to the wrong girl! I can’t handle this! What’s going to happen to these boys?” I knew in that moment that it was because of my weakness that He was going to be glorified in the end. I couldn’t do it! But He would, and He did! His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Anniversary Grief. Today, I share with you very personally as I walk through one of my own – 39 years later and still as fresh as ever! How am I going to face it this year? With gratitude! When we grieve deeply, we are reminded that we have loved greatly!