ForgottenWoman

But…

Oh, the decisions I’m making today knowing that there are some who aren’t comfortable with this kind of transparency. Raw and real and painful and bold: it seems to be what is required of me and it is certainly what I’m finding many need from me. Honestly, I cannot help another if I’m too busy pretending that parts of life aren’t just really, really tough. Enough with the platitudes and quotes and thoughtless advice that we throw at each other when life seems to really stink. I’m writing today because there are some out there who need to hear this honesty for your own survival and healing journey.

In most of my writing I will focus on Who God is in my life and yours. In most of my writing I will share how He has worked miracles that only The One True God can work. In most of my writing I will remind you that He is the answer to all of life’s mountains and valleys. And in most of my writing I will remind you of the value and privilege of prayer. Today – I’m going to be very practical and talk about the very real human walk; complete with frailty. I’m going to talk about facts that cannot be ignored if we are going to be honest about this life.

Today marks 32 years since my now ex-husband and I said, “I do.” It marks 32 years since he made vows to my young sons and to me – vows I fully believed that he meant. Those vows included to love me, protect me, provide for me, cherish me in sickness and in health, celebrate highs and work through lows, forgive hurts and heal together, laugh together, work together, play together, grieve together… until death parted us. That day marked a point when I truly believed my days of doing life alone were over – someone had found me who loved me for all that I am, who wanted to be my partner in daily life, who wanted to be my safe place in the storms of life. Sadly, I was wrong.

Many want to say, “Why are you even thinking about this today? It’s not your anniversary anymore.” Others, “Get over it! Move on! Enjoy your life and freedom!”

But then there are some of you who get it. You know that there is such a thing as grieving what should have been, what you thought would be, what you prayed for and dreamed about and worked for. There is also a horribly painful feeling of, “Why wasn’t I worth the effort, the time, the work?” “Why was I never a priority?” “What did I do or not do?” “What is wrong with me?”

And of course, there are the thoughts of where you thought you would be on this date – maybe on a cruise somewhere (which he has taken with another) or maybe a romantic weekend somewhere beautiful (again, which he has taken with another) and as the one who gave him the best of you for so many years… well; you find yourself alone, with responsibilities that are hard for you to bear and the realization that the hand you asked to hold, the hugs you begged to recieve, the discussions that you were denied, the walks on the beach that you dreamed of sharing… well; the one who made those vows to you simply didn’t want to do those things with you. You just weren’t worth it. And then… he chose to walk away, never look you in the eye again, never give you enough respect to even have a conversation, and pretend that it’s just fine to decide that he wanted to create a new life for himself that deleted you altogether. (And actually tell you in passing that he is so glad to be rid of you!)

On the anniversary of those vows – well; the onslaught of emotions is great. The realization of what you didn’t mean to the one who quoted those vows to you – well, it’s a horrible realization. It will literally suck your breath right out of you. I get it. I’m here. I’m living it. Others are as well – so if you love someone walking a similar path to mine: may I tell you something? They aren’t feeling sorry for themselves. They aren’t creating an emotional stir. They aren’t seeking attention. They aren’t being overly dramatic. They aren’t having a pity party that they planned and decorated for.

They are desperately trying to live and smile and continue on normally while feeling unimaginable pain. They are fighting to be victorious, but in the fight they will shed some blood and tears, they will appear bruised and beaten down at times. It may appear on occasion that they are losing the battle and for a day or two: they may think they are losing that battle themselves. But then hopefully, they’ll find rest and somehow be refreshed, pull themselves up, grab hold of The Father’s hand and get back up to live victoriously again.