ForgottenWoman

(An Excerpt From My Book to Come)

A long night of learning Who this God is

As I share the specifics of the early morning hours of July 28, 1987; I want to speak to my state of heart and mind at this time, my desperation for a Heavenly Father Who saw me, heard me, cared and answered the groanings of my heart. What I experienced in those hours was the reality of that Heavenly Father. The same Holy Spirit Who directed the writing of Scripture years ago abides within the believer and directs us to and reveals the truths to us!

I remember so well and so clearly sitting on the floor of our tiny bathroom with my back literally up against the toilet and my feet pulled up closely in front of me. I held Jonnie’s Bible in my hands and I buried my face between my knees. I don’t remember tears – and would learn later that this is part of the shock I was dealing with. My heart felt that it had been broken, my mind was flooded with so many questions, so many fears, so many doubts and the overwhelming feeling of being completely alone! As I sat there (probably for hours) I just began opening Jonnie’s Bible and letting the pages fall where they may – I didn’t have the ability to think about where I should be looking. The reality of one by one the many things running through my mind being answered by specific verses: many of which had been highlighted previously by Jonnie; is a reality that not only made it possible for me to survive the worst night of my life, but also a reality that strengthened my faith in ways that cannot be explained. I hope that in my sharing your faith and determination to find your answers in God’s Word and His Truths will be bolstered as well.

The first thought that was raging through my heart and mind was, “I should have been with him! I missed his last moments. I cannot accept that I will never see him or speak with him again! I didn’t even get to say goodbye or tell him one last time that I love him! I let the pages of his Bible fall open and the very first passage that my eyes fell on were highlighted. I Thessalonians 4:13-18 “But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.” Can you even imagine what these words sounded like to me in those moments? With chills running through me, I sat and pondered the fact that my greatest struggle in that moments had been answered very directly through the reading of Scripture.

Following these moments I began to have another thought that took center stage in my mind. I began to consider what those last moments for Jonnie must have been like; feeling guilty that I wasn’t there with him, wondering what death really is like for a believer; for my Jonnie! Is he ok? Yes, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was really ok! As I flipped the pages of his Bible my eyes landed on another highlighted passage. 2 Timothy 4: 6-8 “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.” I was struggling to understand what was happening – but I was finding comfort in how these highlighted verses were answering my thoughts one by one. As I read these verses and looked at Jonnie’s hand-written notes surrounding them I remembered sitting in the back of the camp service just a few weeks prior listening to him speak to the teens on this subject. His greatest desire was to one day stand before the Lord and hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” We talked often about what that meant and he often wondered if he was serving faithfully enough or if he was failing in some way. As I sat on that bathroom floor I knew beyond any doubt that the Lord had found him faithful to his last moment. He was serving, loving and caring for others up to the moment of his death. As a young 25 year old; he was just learning what that looked like, but his heart was willing and ready and I knew God was pleased. I felt a sense of relief as I realized this concern had been clearly answered through the power of God’s Word and the same Holy Spirit Who had directed the writing was directing me very clearly to the Scripture that I needed to hear in this most desperate moment of my life.

The next pile of jumbled thoughts that were filling my head were about me and my little boys – what in the world was going to happen to us? I was filled with overwhelming fear and the reality that I was not capable of handling what was ahead for me. I didn’t really know what I was going to do in the next moment so I just flipped the pages of Jonnie’s Bible and there boldly highlighted on the page before me was 2 Timothy 1:7  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” At this point, a small laugh came from my lips as I looked up and simply said, “Thank you!” I knew in that moment that I had no excuse for ‘losing it’ or not getting up and taking care of whatever was ahead. God had shown me in His Word that I had everything I needed to move forward without fear – He was providing the power and the love and the sound mind!

I honestly don’t know how long I stayed in that position on that floor flipping through the pages of Jonnie’s Bible and clinging to the words I read there to calm my spirit and answer the many questions and emotions running like a freight train through me. I would be told months later that others noticed that I clung to that Bible like it was my life-source through viewings, visitations, the memorial service and more. I’m sure that I did. It was life giving and hope giving in the most real sense of the words ‘life-giving!” God has given us His Word and His Holy Spirit as our guide and our comforter in our day to day and in our most traumatic experiences of life. I challenge you to turn to it – my bathroom floor experience didn’t end on July 28, 1987. The memory and lessons learned that night were the just the beginning of a lifelong quest to find my answers and comfort in Him alone. When I fail to turn to Him first (which I do often) He very quickly reminds me of His faithfulness and I find myself prostrate before Him and His Word again.