ForgottenWoman

Seeks Not Her Own

My heart has been wrestling with the concept of what Christlike love looks like in our families, friendships, acquaintances – all relationships – how does it play out in the circumstances of our everyday lives?

With the popularity of social media memes today most of us have seen the ones that say things like “Choose the people who say nice things about you when you aren’t in the room.” Common sense tells me that those are the types of people I want in my life, right? But how many of us choose to BE those people?

What about the one that says, “Choose people who will protect you at all cost.” Another great sounding group of people. Am I choosing to BE that kind of person?

Courageous love does what is right for the other person, even if it is uncomfortable – or even if it makes others uncomfortable. Let’s be honest. How comfortable is it to speak up and defend someone who is being wrongfully discussed in our presence? How much easier is it to just stay quiet and not ruffle feathers?

Here’s a fun scenario – we see someone being belittled or hurt by the “harmless” jokes of another and quietly laugh instead of even considering how jokes at the expense of someone else cause pain. Of course, I’m not talking about good natured fun that everyone enjoys and is a part of. I’m talking about a pattern of belittling someone for the sake of laughs and then insisting that they get a sense of humor. Am I a bystander/observer or do I step in for the sake of another?

The real question is this: Are we quiet and unconcerned unless the one being hurt is ourselves? Recently, I came face to face with a scenario that made me think – it also made me realize how easy it would be to nod and agree without concern for the person that we know is being slandered. I mean, will they ever know?

My situation? A lady approached me and began sharing information about a mutual friend; asking nonchalantly if I had heard from her and if I knew what was going on in her life. I told her yes, that I had spoken with her and had been praying for her to be successful in her endeavors. My friend continued sharing simple things: books she had given our mutual friend for her children and things they had done together. The conversation then took a turn when she told me what our mutual friend had said about her children’s father. (The lady I was talking to had never met him; only knew what she had been told). I immediatly gasped and looked her square in the face and stated, “That’s just not true!” I know the father of our friend’s children well and couldn’t stand there and let this lady believe and/or repeat what she had been told.

I came home later that evening feeling sad that this man’s name and reputation had been maligned by his former wife. Since I know him well enough to know the truth, my heart hurt and wondered how many others had been led to believe wrongfully negative things about him. I felt that this could only be an intentional effort to discredit him but I wasn’t sure what to do! As his friend, I was right to defend him – but do I have the courage to take it a step further and reach out to my friend and tell her that what she has said about him has gotten back to me and I know it isn’t true and I believe it is wrong for her to be saying this? THIS is what true friendship does! It courageously stands up for another.

But let’s be honest. That kind of stepping in is rare. We justify our silence with things like; “I don’t want to get involved,” “I don’t like drama,” “It’s between them,” “It’s none of my business,” “They’re nice to me,” and more. But is that true friendship based on love for another? Is that courageous friendship or is it simply self-serving apathy?

Most of us would step in quickly if we saw someone physically bullying or hurting another. (At least, I hope so!) However, emotional and verbal abuse is something that perpetrators get away with because few have the courage to speak up and stop it. The really sad part is that those who enjoy emotionally and verbally abusing others know that. They also know how to manipulate the room and turn the focus on the one they’ve targetted – hiding their abuse under the cover of a joke, a misunderstanding, a sensitive hearer and even lying about what they did or did not say or do.

I’ll even take this a step further. Many of us will speak up if we hear a stranger speak to someone else in a rude, unkind, sarcastic or demeaming manner. Our reaction would cause that stranger to think twice before doing it again. However, when a family member or close friend does it to another family member or close friend, we tend to all quietly sit by. By doing so, we give the one who finds joy in this type of abuse power. They feel they have accomplished their goal, they’ve belittled the one they wanted to insult and by our silence we have literally given them a license to continue.

Now, as is true with most things in life, I cannot control what anyone else says or does! As I share my thoughts here this evening I have no idea if it will impact the thoughts of anyone. I do know that I want to think about all of this myself, though!

So, as I focus on the situation I find myself in, I’m asking myself these questions. I pray that each of my family members and friends knows that their reputation, their name, what is known about their character is safe with me. I pray that they also know that if I’m aware of emotional or verbal abuse taking place in their lives I won’t quietly pretend all is well, I’ll step in just as I will if I see someone physically bullying or hurting them.