ForgottenWoman

Nope, nope, nope

Being one of those people who isn’t easily angered: unless there’s a pattern and I’ve caught on to your shenanigans; I’m very aware of questions or phrases that just make my blood boil. Let’s talk about that today, ok? (I know – why talk about what makes me mad? Well, maybe we have this in common or maybe you’ve never thought about how some questions or phrases affect others).

Let me explain by sharing one particular repeated event that made me absolutely dread running into a certain individual – to the point that I had to take deep breaths and talk myself down everytime I saw him approaching. Anyway, there was a man in our circle of life whom we attended church with and who worked at an organization that we often frequented. One of his roles in this organization was greeting cars full of families as we entered the campus. Whether it was in the church setting or whether he was standing at the window of my car, he always said two things. (Maybe since I had so many children he thought this was normal or appropriate) The first thing he would say was, “……. is my favorite!” Then he would look at me and ask me which of my children was my favorite! And he always did this right in front of ALL of them! YEP. Momma’s blood is boiling over and about to spill out all over him.

In the beginning of our acquaintance I would smile and ask him to please not compare my children and to stop asking me that question. He always persisted! I would then tell him as firmly as I knew how that I do not have favorites and I love every single one of my children deeply. Honestly, there isn’t a good way to say all that I wanted to say in those moments.

Now, you may be thinking that this is not a big deal – so I’m going to ask you to think about it for just a minute. Sadly, we all want to matter to someone and that need for security and belonging and being “important” in the life of another begins inside the family. Parents too often inadvertantly make one feel less loved than another – we may respond differently based on personalities or needs in the moment and our children may mistake the attention for favoritism. This is natural and normal and something that loving parents try to avoid and correct when it’s brought to their attention. I cannot imagine any parent in their right mind telling their children that one is favored above another. Have you ever heard of sibling rivalry? Again; a natural part of family relationships. It takes an intentional parent to teach children that we can respect and appreciate the qualities, talents, gifts of another without feeling threatened by them – because we’ve made sure each is aware of their own qualities. Intentional parenting fosters healthy love and respect between siblings – outsiders trying to rock the boat by pitting them against each other? Miss me with that! Sometimes even family members try to rock the boat with statements of, “You know your mother’s favorite is your brother…” YEP, that boils this momma’s blood!

I remember all too well being compared to my sister growing up by both strangers and friends. Which one is prettier? Which one is smarter? Which one has the better personality? Which one… on and on it goes! If you are a parent and you are constantly telling one child to work harder to measure up to the other: shame on you! If you are a parent who shows up with a “treat” for one child and no one else, shame on you! If you are a parent who thinks it’s funny to tell any child that another is the favorite of anyone… shame on you!

If you think you are funny when you ask a child which parent is their favorite, may I respectfully tell you that you are wrong. If you foster an atmosphere where people are constantly saying that they prefer one individual over the others, you are wrong! If you are a parent who constantly praises and talks about one child and has nothing good to say about another or maybe even criticizes the other openly; you are wrong. Guess what is NOT going to happen. The one you are criticizing is not going to become who you want him to be due to your criticism. He is going to see himself as the loser child – and may never even become what God created him to be unless someone else comes alongside of him and fosters that “I matter” within him.
The one that you’ve held up to the others will suffer as well – because he will be resented by the others: at no fault of his own. Just think about what Jacob’s favoritism did in the life of Joseph and his brothers. I know, I know… God worked that all out for good – which He promises to do. But I certainly don’t want to be the reason anyone hates another or even silently feels inferior to another.

The bottom line is that our words matter. The second bottom line – be genuine! If you love someone or something about someone – say so! Privately and publically. Don’t say obligatory things that you don’t really feel or mean because you are supposed to, but be openly positive about people who actually make your life better. False praise doesn’t make a bad person better, a rude person polite, a selfish person giving. It simply lifts up someone who doesn’t deserve it and undermines the value of those who are truly good people, polite people, unselfish people. Favoritism and fake praise make my blood boil. Maybe you don’t care; but I see how it affects the masses and we really should be a bit more aware.

Who is my favorite child? Joey, Josh, Cameron, Catherine, Hannah, Micah, Susannah, Zachary, Christian. I could write a book on each one – telling you what I love about each one, what we’ve experienced together, what I respect about them, what I appreciate about them, what they are capable of and what they bring to the family and our world. Who is my favorite daughter in law? Courtney, Whitney, Victoria, Holly and Katie! I could list what I love about each of them as well! And then – my grands. My favorite grandgirls are Kiki and Kynz. My favorite grandboys are Eben, Cason, Emmett and Charlie. There you have it! I love each family member’s uniqueness, I love their gifts, I love their personalities and guess what: because I am Mom/Grandmommy that love really is unconditional and sees beyond any negatives that could skew my opinion. That doesn’t mean that I’m oblivious to shortcomings or think my family members are perfect. It has nothing to do with critiquing or fixing or comparing. It simply has to do with love.

Now, some of you are thinking, “But I’m closer to this individual than another…” Relationship “closeness” is not the same thing as parental love. A close relationship depends on both parties’ actions and effort to foster a closeness. So naturally, we may feel closer to different individuals at different points in our lives. I strive to have a close relationship with each of my family members and with the eb and flow of life, what that looks like changes as the stages of life change. In other words, a mommy/son or mommy/daughter relationship looks different from a mom/adult son or mom/adult daughter relationship. Understanding and rolling with the natural changes in the relationships does not change the love. People in all relationships go through things in life that may “strain” the closeness either for a short period or an extended period of time. Again, as a Christian, that should not change the love I have for them though we aren’t functioning as closely. Does this make sense?

LOVE is an amazing thing, that when understood and lived out God’s way doesn’t choose favorites when it comes to people. It is based on I Corinthians 13 and is a constant choice. I have a favorite candy bar, a favorite color, a favorite dress, a favorite food. Love for people – well, I choose to LOVE my people big in thought and in action. And because of that love, my blood will boil when and if you say anything that makes them feel that they are less valuable than the next person. So – just don’t go there with me!