ForgottenWoman

You asked for it

Just this past week another son earned his college degree in a unique way… 108 credit hours (basically two years of college work) in less than 5 months. As we mommas do these days, I shared his accomplishment on social media – and posted my thoughts as a veteran homeshooling mom in a group for moms – hoping to be an encouragement to others. In my doing so, I pointed out that it isn’t the college degree that I am most proud of, and it isn’t the college degree that determines that he is a success or that I am a success as a home educator. As I told him privately; I’m proud of him for accomplishing this goal that he set for himself – but I am most proud of the man that he is; the way he treats his wife and family members (as well as friends and others). All of the degrees in the world could not make him a better man. And you know what? I mean it!

I shared with the homeschooling moms a few things in that post that led to several of them asking me to share how and why I was “successful” as a homeschooling mom. You won’t often hear me declare myself successful – but as I took the time this week to think through the results of 38+ years of home education in our home; I’m actually tearfully thanking the LORD for the fact that success does feel like a real thing. Now, before you start to think things like, “How dare you think that!” or “Who do you think you are?” or “Well, aren’t you just a pride filled woman?” let me assure you that this blog post isn’t declaring anything about my greatness or my abilities or my genius methods or even that the success is because of me. I hope you will hear my heart as I share. This may be a long one, so hold on tight.

First, let me tell you that all 9 of my children were educated in my home. I could spend paragraphs writing about each one individually; telling you how proud I am of them for various things, what I love about each of them and more. But I’m not going to do that – I shared what led to this blogpost concerning the most recent “success” in the eyes of the world. Secondly, let me tell you that each of them could tell you about areas that I was deficient in. Thirdly, let me tell you that each of them could tell you times, places, decisions, patterns or rules that they wish had been different. In other words: I’m writing today as a successful homeschooling mom because of who my children are today and not because of what an amazing homeschooling mom I am.

“Come on, Joy! We want an outline! We want specifics! We want curriculum choices! We want to know what the days looked like, what the rules were, what the extra curriculars were, etc!” Well, here is what I can tell you. The days all looked different. (I’m a pretty flexible mom). The curriculum changed from year to year. (Again, I like to flex and if I saw something interesting, we might try it.) The house rules were basically kindness (only say it if it’s kind, necessary and true) leave a room better than you found it when you leave it (this didn’t always happen but we tried) and obey. Period. The rigor of the days changed with the seasons. (Holidays required lots of free time around here and obedience was always expected but Mom was always learning what mattered and what didn’t. Much of this will be shared in future articles.

What about consistency? I believe in being consistently kind, in children being consistently respectful, in consistent obedience and consistent consequences for choosing to disobey or lie. Beyond that, there weren’t any crazy rules. Exta Curriculars – again: flexible and again, will be covered in the future. We did a lot of extras. Music lessons, sports in the community and then for the local high school for those who wished to participate. Art lessons for the artists, camps and PE at the park when the weather permitted. We hosted field trips for community homeschoolers several years and we were involved in creating opportunities for homeschool families to get together each week.

Here’s the deal. The Bible speaks of training up children in the way they should go… Can I tell you that this verse and others in Scripture put the emphasis on knowing our children and not on particular schedules, curriculums or house rules? When I base my “Mothering” on the principles of Scripture, the truth is that much of what is prioritized should be prioritized in all homes: where the children are homeschooled, public schooled or private schooled.

Looking back over all of the years, I could write a book about all the things I could have done better, all the ways I feel that I blew it so to speak: and yet, I’m writing this today because my children are incredible, loving, giving, serving, leading adults today!

So, let me first tell you what I do know that I did right. I loved my children with my whole being. I express my love to them every chance I get. I see each one as a unique individual with unique talents, gifts, abilities and even mental capacity. I try to listen to them and adjust accordingly. I understand that perfection is not a goal – either in myself or in them. We all live with enough pressure to “perform” perfectly from within ourselves and from outside. Mom needs to be a safe place – a place where love is assured when mistakes are made, a momentary or month long failure is reality, when there needs to be growth of character and when a child is doubting their own value! Hey Mom, don’t assume they know how you feel. I made this mistake at times and have learned to speak loudly and often of how proud I am of each individual. They need to hear this from you!

Guess what? My rules were too strict at times. My schedule was too grueling at times. My requirements for a clean house were too demanding at times. I can without a doubt tell you that my greatest mistake was when I allowed the pressure and expectations of “others” to influence my confidence and thinking. But as the Bible says, “Love covers a multitude of sins,” and mistakes. Our confidence comes from walking with Him and trusting the wisdom He gives us for this great task of mothering.

So, here is the first thing I will say with confidence to you homeschooling moms who are longing for “success.” Walk with Him. You cannot do this on your own – the love, patience, wisdom and confidence that you draw from your time with the Lord each morning will carry you through all of the twists and turns of the day. Next, be flexible! Listen to your kids! PRAY constantly. (Did I say pray right after I said to walk with Him first? Yes, I did! Pray without ceasing. That line to His ear should be my first go to – not other moms, not to the latest book – Him.) Observe and seek wisdom and discernment when determining what is a character problem, what is a sinful behavior and what is just a kid being a kid!

Yes – it is great to keep studying and learning but read too many books from parents who are telling you there is one way, and you will mess up trying to follow a script that was never intended to be followed. That’s a long sentence. Read it again, because it’s a biggie. Remember that I mentioned before my greatest mistake? It was reading and listening to the tapes and chastising myself for not living up to the famous homeschooling families who on the surface seemed to have it all together. Looking back: they didn’t!

The Bible: that’s our guide! LOVE BIG. CHERISH EVERY MOMENT. LIVE RESPONSIBLY IN FRONT OF THEM. LIVE SELFLESSLY IN FRONT OF THEM. BE KIND TO OTHERS IN FRONT OF THEM. BE HUMBLE ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO THEM WHEN THEY SEE SOMETHING IN YOU THAT SHOULDN’T BE THERE AND SEEK THEIR FORGIVENESS. FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM MORE AND LESS ON THEIR PERFORMING ACADEMICALLY. When you see they need rest – let them rest! And yes, when you need rest – you are allowed that too. That’s a beauty of what you’re doing at home! When you see that they are wasting time, don’t tell them how horrible they are as humans! Help them prioritize what must be done and show them the time they’ll have for their “fun” or “relaxing” activities after they’ve fulfilled their responsibilities. Have those serious “come to Jesus’ meetings and then hug them, laugh out loud with them and move on!

And so important – pay attention to them! Observe. Each one is an individual with unique gifts, intellect, drives, desires, talents, interests, weaknesses, deficiencies, levels of emotional strength and each one needs his/her own personal relationship with the Lord. We cannot force that and we can destroy their desire for that when we try to cram each one into the same mold. Trust your heart and your instincts when it comes to your children and love them loudly! (seems to be a theme here) And – when they begin to reach those teen years, then young adult years and beyond: allow your relationship with them to evolve. Loosen your grip on their time, their activities, their friendship choices. Their need to make some choices for themselves is real. Their need to make small mistakes and suffer the consequences is real. Their need to ask for you to change your mind – and for you to do so if you can… is real! My philosophy in those tough teen years was to give them enough rope to explore but not hang themselves. Did I do it perfectly? Of course not, but that’s the other thing we have to know as parents. We can either be in this for the hard road that it is and learn as we go; or… well, there really isn’t another option. There is no such thing as perfection – again: if you love them well, they will know it and together you will conquer each hurdle.