ForgottenWoman

God’s Design for Family Authority – or not…

I am absolutely, positively certain that within my circle of readers most have heard of the “umbrella of authority” as taught by Gothard and others. Some of you agree with him wholeheartedly and some of you are outraged by the entire notion. As someone who attended several of the Institute of Basic Life Principles Seminars as a teen and then was bombarded with Gothard’s materials as a homeschooling mom; I’m very familiar with not only his teachings but the outcomes surrounding families who bought everything he declared Biblical.

As I often do when discussing something that may be controversial or emotional for some; I ask you to stay with me. Let’s begin with the appeal of his teachings. As a parent (I can speak to the heart of a mother) who desires nothing more than to give her children the best and has chosen to literally set aside all for her family – giving years of her life to not only creating home but to the education of her children – there is an almost magnetic pull toward any teaching that promises godly children. I can remember spending my evenings after the children were in bed reading and listening to cassette tapes where Gothard and a few notable families who followed his teachings were telling the rest of us how to do this thing called marriage, family, and parenting. I happened to be one of those who loved the nature pictures in the character books but was literally not only discouraged but repulsed by some of the other teaching. The more children I had, the more I was questioned… “Do you run your home like the Duggars?” “Are you as organized and orderly as those families?” “Do you attend ATI?” Then, people began to realize that no, I wasn’t like Mrs. Duggar. I was way too spontanious and ‘messy’ to be able to run my household as she did. My children were well behaved but I always wanted their behavior to be the result of choosing right and knowing why and not because they were robots with no personality or thoughts of their own. I never attended ATI homeschool conventions and I was way too stubborn to have someone tell me how my children should dress and whether they could be involved in the community or not!

What was true was that I struggled inwardly a lot – were they all right and me wrong? Where can I find the balance between Biblical training and discipline that simply demands compliance? I can tell you that there was a moment when I decided that for me, there would be no more seminars, there would be no more guilty feelings over not doing things their way. I had been given a book on childrearing by the Pearls, who were very popular authors pushed by the Gothard crowd. Someone who loved me and thought I was way too “unscheduled,” held my babies too much, didn’t spank them enough and allowed them too much freedom to choose when they ate, napped, etc. gave me the book and told me she really felt I needed to read it and change my parenting style. Initially, I read it. I cried. I felt like an utter failure. In the beginning the concept of “controlling” your children so that they don’t “control” you seemed like a sensible concept. But in my heart I kept hearing my common sense saying, “You are here for them – they are not here for you!” And, “You’ve chosen to give your life for their benefit – they are not here to make things convenient for you!” And, then… “WHAT? Did I just read that you are supposed to spank an infant for crying in the crib? Did I just read that you are to take a garden hose to a child who has a potty accident? Did I just read that the whole idea is to make sure that I determine my schedule and my children don’t inconvenience me? WHAT? I was appalled! Literally appalled. I couldn’t imagine deciding that I couldn’t be bothered or inconvenienced by my children and I also couldn’t imagine spanking an infant for communicating the only way they have to communicate a need! I determined that day that I didn’t care if anyone else thought I held my babies too much. I didn’t care if anyone disagreed with my holding a crying or sick baby all night. And I didn’t care if my babies were behind the norm in potty training! There was no way I was going to become an abusive mother so that my life was easier. That seemed to be the whole idea!

I wish I could write a beautiful blog telling you that I didn’t make mistakes along the way as I tried to navigate what I was hearing and what my heart was screaming. But I can’t. I know that there were times when I disciplined too quickly or too harshly. My least favorite example: I truly hated lying. I wanted my children to learn to be honest always and that there were consequences for lying. In my personal disciplining I did spank. I didn’t beat my children, but I had a methodical method for spanking. The idea was that I wanted them to learn that sin produces pain – it was never the idea of ‘Let me hurt you so that I can control you’. These are two very different ideas! Anyway, I can honestly tell you that I don’t believe I ever spanked out of anger and I worked hard to make sure that it was always for deliberate disobedience, not for a kid being a kid and not without warning. So, the warning was… “If you do that again you will get 3 ‘licks’.” Lying though required 6 licks… and if you kept lying – the licks added up. There were two times that I remember giving way too many licks for lying – once because the child just wouldn’t tell me the truth and I could see the evidence and the other because I was instructed to. I absolutely HATE those memories and have apologized to my children for those instances and yes, we are able to talk about and even laugh about them today. Why? Because there is an overarching love between us and my children recognize that even the most loving hearts of parents make mistakes – and there is a massive difference between mistakes and abuse.

This is why I believe discussing the ‘umbrella of authority’ is valuable. This was an area that I couldn’t quite figure out for myself. Again, as a woman who desired to follow God’s design for the family and who has no problem with submission; this concept made me cringe. The abuse of this concept is one of the most destructive things in Christian marriages and the blowback from this teaching and the abuse has resulted in the idea of submission being completely thrown out in many hearts, minds and families.

So, let me try to articulate my issues with this concept that I once not only believed but tried to live. Gothard’s idea of the “umbrella” is that when we are under the God-ordained authorities, we experience special protection. But if we step out from under our authority, we are no longer protected by the umbrella and Satan can directly attack us.

An obvious question for me was, “What happens when those in authority fail to exercise their leadership well?” Those teaching this don’t deny the need for leaders themselves to be gracious and submitted to authority—at least in theory. But what happens when there’s conflict or a concern with a leader? Think about this: If recognizing and obeying authority is seen as a formula that produces good results, where is the blame going to be placed when things don’t turn out? Too often it is not on those in authority. If we see submitting to leaders as a formula that always produces good results, then any time there is conflict, the blame is placed squarely on a lack of submission. 

Perhaps this sounds extreme and not representative of the usual application of this teaching. Let’s take a look at the “curriculum” and lectures themselves.

How the umbrella is applied

In the seminar session called “How to Relate to Four Authorities,” Gothard gives multiple examples of ways wives could be showing more respect to their husbands. He tells the story of a husband who neglected to fix his wife’s leaky faucet for three years. In the meantime, he would go to fix neighbors’ faucets. And no, in his telling of the story he isn’t calling the husband into question for neglecting his responsibility at home. He doesn’t mention how this makes the wife feel or the message it is sending her. He seems to justify the husband’s choices by saying that husbands are “looking for admiration” and think it’s a poor investment of time to help their wives when all they will hear is, “It’s about time.” He ends the story by saying, “Wives, I can’t emphasize too strongly how important it is for you to have a grateful spirit.” (Once again, I want to point out what this does to those women who are truly seeking to be godly wives! They are soaking up the blame.)   Immediately after giving this example in his lecture, Gothard speaks of husbands being tempted by women at work who give them compliments. (Hear the message he is giving wives?)

He goes on to say that when the husband sees his wife display a grateful spirit, God begins to do a work in his heart. (Do you see where the responsibility for the husband’s spiritual walk is placed on the shoulders of the wife here?) Now it’s true that Peter speaks about unsaved husbands being brought to faith because of the godly example of their wives (I Peter 3:1) but let’s not take Peter’s words out of context. Something is very off when Gothard points to stories of delinquency in husbands—and he’s speaking to Christians!—as a perfect opportunity for wives to surrender expectations and bless their husbands. Throughout the seminar, he addresses wives substantially more than men, and from what I’ve experienced and researched, this is typical. In essence, he’s putting pressure on those lower in authority to behave in impeccable ways to bless those above them. He also tells the story of a wife whose husband had just left her. She came to Gothard and according to him, her expression was sad. She expressed her sadness and said that her husband had left her. Gothard shares his response as he says he knows why her husband left:

“It’s because a sad wife is a public rebuke to her husband. It’s like saying “I want everyone to know what a failure my husband is. He does not know how to make me happy. He’s just a failure.” On the other hand, a happy, joyful wife is a public crown to her husband. Wives, you must learn to be both happy and grateful. That is your greatest attractiveness.“

Why is he blaming the wife for chasing off her husband instead of wondering what could be causing her sadness? Even in cases where the blame lies squarely with the person higher in authority, he is telling the person being treated poorly that they are responsible to be grateful to their authority. 

It gets worse, though. This teaching says that not only does God use difficult authorities in our lives to work character in us, but he actually wants them to be difficult so we can grow through tribulation. He refers to authorities as hammers and chisels to refine our “diamond.” I cannot tell you how often I’ve heard this taught and spoken in private conversations. Along with the statement, “Now, don’t be bitter! Be sure you let this make you better!”

Here is another quote found within this teaching. “If you’ve not allowed God to build character in your life through your parents and through other people in your life, then God will change the heart of your husband.” And then he explains that statement in a way that gives me chills. ” I’ve had many wives tell me, ‘He’s not the same man I married; he’s changed.’ That’s right! God changed his heart. He’s more concerned about what happens to your character than even who does it. And that’s why when people come to me and say, ‘My husband is treating me unfairly… What do you think?’ I think to myself, I wonder how many hammers and chisels she’s already worn out, and how many more it will take.“

Can you see the clear picture emerges from this teaching? He actually says, “Yes, authorities are often difficult, but God has ordained them to work character in your life. God’s blessing only comes when we are under that authority.” Taking Scripture out of context and twisting it to make his point is how he backs this teaching up. And many have fallen for it while many more abuse the power it gives them.

Over the years I’ve struggled with the partial truths of this teaching paired with the dangerous overarching theme. Yes, true Christlikeness shines forth when we handle difficulty with grace and kindness. When we have a difficult authority in our lives and we are able to respond in love and patience, God will ultimately bless us. It is true that our faith is often most evident in difficult times—and this should include relating to difficult people. There are numerous stories throughout the Bible of godly people acting honorably towards authorities who didn’t seem to deserve it. But an entire teaching based on this premise makes bad behavior acceptable for spiritual leaders!  To be fair, these seminars do mention that leaders should be held accountable. But controlling, abusive men have a way of taking this teaching and demanding respect from those under them without being held accountable themselves. When they find a community or church body that backs up the teaching, they are very comfortable with increasing their controlling abuse at home. This has produced a lot of confusion and pain and seems to stem back to a faulty emphasis in the umbrella of authority teaching.

Feel free to argue with me if you disagree, but I believe spiritual leaders should be demonstrating Christ-like behavior more than those under them. The word leadership itself seems to imply this! If leaders are failing to lead lovingly, the burden of responsibility, by definition, should land squarely on them. A leader should never blame his bad behavior on the lack of ideal responses on the part of those under him but you would be amazed at how often this is true – not only blaming wives but even children!

I personally believe that all Christians should be aiming to be more like Christ—and we are still responsible for our actions when leaders fail; but with greater leadership comes more responsibility.

 Let’s look once again at how a man who uses this teaching to abuse his wife interprets the umbrella concept. He believes that his wife answers only to her husband, she obeys her husband, even her relationship with God runs through her husband. Yes, many husbands who love this concept use language like, “I am God to you.” “You should call me Lord like Sarah with Abraham.” “Your opinion doesn’t matter – I am the boss!” I will tell you what to eat, what to wear, how to vote, when you can speak and more. This umbrella concept forgets that Scripturally, both male and female are responsible individually for their relationships with God – the individual will stand before Him and give an account – the individual makes a decision for salvation. It also completely leaves out the idea that woman was created as a help meet for the man. That term help meet doesn’t mean servant, child, or tool. What it does mean? A partner whose strengths, gifts, insights and wisdom add to. In order for a wife to be a true helpmeet to her husband; he must be able to recognize what she brings to the table and allow her to complete him, make him better. This is the opposite of the idea of silencing her and proving who is in control.

Whether anyone wants to admit it today or not – God created male and female with differences! The umbrella of authority teaching too often not only devalues the wife’s purposes, it makes her ability to walk closely with the Lord dependant on the leadership of her husband and that simply is not Scriptural. What brought me to this discussion today was an entire group of women discussing this in a manner that brought me to tears. They truly believe that if their husband is living in sin, refusing to lead their relationship and family in love that they are required to follow his lead anyway. Whatever he says goes – even if the children are hurt in the process. They are being taught that as long as they stay “under the umbrella” of leadership of the husband, they and the children are protected. Who is protecting them from the sins of the man? Absolutely no one! Again, this is the perfect teaching for a man who seeks control instead of leadership to abuse his wife and children. And again, women who desire to be obedient to God’s Word and be submissive are placing themselves in these abusive relationships.

Above, we discussed how this is taught. In my experience, where this is taught and followed – women are called on to bear the responsibility for their marriages. The focus is not on what God requires of the man – to love his wife as Christ loves the church but is fully on the wife’s response. Does this mean that I believe a man must be perfect in his display of love before the woman chooses submission to his leadership? Absolutely not – but I do believe that God’s way looks very different from this man-made umbrella! I’m going to close and ask you to consider all of this while looking at Scripture instead of the teachings of men.

Recently, my family had a situation where I was able to share with my daughters what it looks like to place ourselves under the leadership of the men in our lives. I believe that because God has created us differenlty as male and female; it is wise to place ourselves in submission to godly men when we find ourselves without a husband. My daughters are single adults and I find myself in that category again today. My sons; once little boys who were my responsibility and yes, under my parental authority are now the male leaders in not only my life but my daughters’. Because I believe wholeheartedly in the value of submission to male leadership – men who love, who seek wisdom from God’s Word and who have stepped up to lead while loving, protecting and providing for their families, I don’t hesitate to look to their leadership today.

This picture better depicts what I believe the Bible actually teaches… The husband as the head of the wife is nurturing her, leading with love and protection and she is strengthened to be all that she needs to be for the children, etc.

In the situation this past week we were all involved in a “crisis” that required decisions, discussions and action. My sons discussed the circumstances with us (the ladies) their wives, their sisters and their mother. They listened to what we had to say. They listened to what we knew. They listened to how we felt. And then I told my daughters that we needed to sit back, pray that God would give them wisdom and then let them lead us. That’s exactly what we did. In this Biblical submission, allowing godly male leadership and trusting their decisions; we found comfort, confidence and even joy in being heard, loved and led. This is God’s way: Love and submission, respect for one another and understanding our various and valuable roles in life.

I realize I touched slightly on several things within today’s article – and I hope it has stirred some thoughts and will turn our hearts back to the Word of God – our true source of information, instruction and guidance.