ForgottenWoman

And the Challenge

It’s been said that when someone betrays you, it says everything about their character; not yours!

Betrayal is a word often used but maybe not so often deeply considered; and less often are the effects considered. Why is it so devestating? What are the different types of betrayal that people endure? Why isn’t it as simple as, “Get over it!” ?

It goes without saying that betrayal can come from a myriad of sources – acquaintances, friends, co-workers, family members, significant others (as in boyfriend/girlfriend) and even spouses. Obviously, some betrayals are more easily recovered from; and the most painful come from those we thought loved us.

Most of us think of 4 different types of betrayal: *Disclosure of confidential information *Disloyalty *Infidelity *Dishonesty. The sad truth is that there are some situations in our lives where someone we have trusted is guilty of betraying us in all 4 ways. I would contend in today’s brief article that the betrayal of a spouse ranks among the most painful and involves all 4 ways. It is the most devestating to a life and leaves the most wounds to be recovered from.

It is tempting when walking with someone who has been betrayed by a spouse to want their emotions to be less volatile, to want their grief to be short-lived, to want them to carry on with life as usual. But the truth is that their very core has been shaken. Consider this: for most married couples there was a time when they stood before a minister and an audience and they pledged their lives to one another in sickness and in health, til death part. There were many times of intimacy – when they trusted one another with every part of themselves. There were quiet discussions when they shared fears, hopes, dreams, disappointments, struggles. If they lived together for any amount of time, they knew each other’s faults well – and trusted that they were safe within their commitment to one another.

Betrayal within the marriage (in the other 3 areas) may begin before the actual infidelity does. When the struggles, pain or faults of one are discussed and belittled to any listening audience – that is betrayal. It may also look like loyalty to others and other priorities above the spouse’s needs and desires. Dishonesty within the marriage may come in the form of silence, financial secrets, half truths and unspoken plans. The dishonesty may be as blatant as false accusations to cause others to question the motives of the spouse. Disloyalty may also be present when a spouse shuts the other out – refusing to openly share. When these become habitual – infidelity is not far behind.

Infidelity in a marriage is a betrayal in all four areas and in some cases, the volume of dishonesty, disloyalty, revealing of private matters and total disregard for the person that was once promised safety within the relationship is beyond belief! This type of betrayal is devestating. One of the most painful aspects of this is the lack of “safety” that the betrayed feels. This is an effect that isn’t openly discussed, but felt anytime they find themselves in the presence of the betrayer.

So, while we’ve discussed why betrayal within a marriage ranks among the most painful; betrayal by a friend, a parent, a child, a co-worker… all hurt! Why am I reminding all of us of this today?

Here’s the truth. At the beginning of this article we said that the betrayal says more about the betrayer’s character than it does yours. That being the truth – we should focus on who we are and how our experiences should challenge us! You and I have no control over the choices of others: but we certainly can choose who we are.

Martin Luther said, “Each betrayal begins with trust!” Does this mean that we should never trust someone again? I sure hope not, because that would take a lot of joy out of life. But on the flip side of that; my experiences make me want to be more trust-worthy! When someone trusts me; I want desperately to protect that trust – to be loyal, to be honest, to be a safe place for all who trust me with their heart, their secrets, their desires, their struggles!

I want those in my life to know that if someone comes to me and starts saying things that question the motives, character or morals of my loved one that I will immediately defend, say what I know to be true and if I do have any questions – I hope they know I will ask them; never giving any sign of agreement to the speaker. In other words; my loyalty isn’t for sale! Your reputation is safe with me. Your heart is safe with me. Your critics will not be comfortable in my presence!

I also want those in my life to know that when I promise to love you, to do everything in my power to keep the lines of communication between us clear and open, to make decisions that are good for you – I intend to keep those promises! My commitment to my relationship with you isn’t dependent on how I feel or how you behave. I’m here.

And I want those in my life to know that you are not replaceable – not a single person in my life can be discarded and replaced. The value of my loved ones is not lost on me!

The point – the challenge: we cannot stop someone from betraying us. We can, however; determine that no one will ever suffer the pain of betrayal because of us!