ForgottenWoman

“I’m not helping my wife…”

I don’t often share things that others have written in their entirety because while I may agree with a portion of what someone has written; usually there are pieces that I can’t fully get behind so I just don’t share. This past week I made a mistake when I posted something that I felt made a good point and didn’t really think through the entire message of the author.

After reading some of the comments and then getting some input concerning what I had shared I would like to clarify my stance. I cannot stand behind anything that contradicts Scripture and while reading what I had shared more critically; I realize that what I appreciated about the article was just part of the message. I cannot agree with the full message.

So… let me see if I can make sense of all of this.

It started like this: “A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat down and talked about life. After a while I interrupted the conversation and said to him, “I’m going to wash the dishes. I’ll be right back.” He looked at me like I told him I was going to build a spaceship. So he said to me with admiration and a little stumped, “Glad you help your wife, I rarely help mine because when I do she never thanks me. Last week I washed the floor and she didn’t even tell me thank you.”

In all honesty, this is the part that grabbed my attention. I’ll share the next paragraph and then we can talk about the problems that are here that I completely overlooked before sharing.

“I sat back down with him again and explained to him that I don’t “help” my wife. Actually, my wife doesn’t need help, she needs a partner, a teammate. I’m her home partner… and due to that, all functions are divided, which is not “help” with household chores. I don’t “help” my wife clean the house because I also live in it and i need to clean it to. I don’t “help” my wife cook food, because I also want to eat and I need to cook too. I don’t “help” her washing dishes after eating, because I use the dishes too. I don’t “help” my wife with the kids, because they are mine to and I have to be a father. I don’t “help” my wife wash, fold and put away laundry because it’s mine and the kids too. I don’t give a helping hand at home; I’m part of it.”

So – this may ruffle feathers and that’s ok. At least think about what I’m trying to communicate. Those who know me know my heart on this matter and that I’ve devoted my entire adulthood to homemaking. You may have been confused by the article that I shared. Again; I apologize for sharing something that I didn’t think completely through.

In our culture this idea of there being no such thing as differences in genders and roles is antithetical to Scripture. God created us to function differently and the effort to blur the lines between the differences is very real. (To be quite blunt; I believe that the feminist movement has done much to harm!) At the same time; abuse of the Scriptural model for leadership and roles in the family is also very real and has led to many throwing away God’s model. What we need to do is talk openly about what God’s model really looks like, celebrate it, find joy in our roles and enjoy what the result looks like.

Women were created with the desire and makeup to nurture, provide the comfort of home and thrive under the leadership and provision of their husbands. We are also wired as responders… when Scripture tells men to love their wives it seems like a simple “order” but the fact is that we as women respond to that love BIG. The anger with which many respond to this idea is great – but there is something very right about the way these roles work. In the article I shared, the man who was speaking was doing a great thing in displaying servant leadership – washing the dishes to help his wife. Where he was wrong was in his explanation that he wasn’t helping his wife – that it was just as much his responsibility as it was hers… and he goes into cleaning, caring for the children, doing laundry etc. and states that he isn’t helping her when he does those things. I disagree strongly. He IS helping her and that is what makes it so beautiful. He, in his leadership role of the family recognizes what she does for them, he appreciates it and he loves her enough to want to reach in and help her. I guarantee you that in the majority of families; this kind of leadership from the husband/father will elicit a greater desire within the wife/mother to fulfill her role well. You know, they say men need respect and women need love. When a woman feels valued, she feels loved. When a husband/father steps up and offers to help his wife while thanking her for what she does for the family: he just gave her value and her heart will respond!

At the risk of offending even further, God created us not only emotionally, psychologicaly and mentally different; we are definitely physically different! That nonsense that we are surrounded by today is just that: nonsense. The amazing things that my body was created for include carrying babies, childbirth and feeding a baby after birth. When a woman is unable to have children, she often struggles greatly emotionally and many find other ways to use their natural nurturing nature. The same is true for women who never marry, or find their marriage over for some reason. That desire to do for, to provide home for, to cook for… is natural and these women grieve not having it. Just last night while watching another Christmas movie, I found myself responding emotionally while I sat alone watching. In the movie the main character was a “strong” lady – one who had a business, led women in her circle and was considered “successful” by any terms. When the male character took an interest in her and began helping her with physical tasks (carrying heavy items, reaching for things high on the shelves and handing them to her, helping her with her coat and doors) I felt the tears filling my eyes. It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle many of these things- it was that she didn’t have to. In the end, when he wrapped her up in his arms and she sank into his embrace; it was the perfect picture of his protection and care for her. This is not an abnormal need or reality. It is the way God designed us.

Don’t misunderstand me. Women are not weak. Our strength is what I call a soft or gentle strength. It is a strength that pushes us to do for and care for others. At the same time, I am physically incapable of doing many of the things that males can do. I’m not ashamed to say that I need the help of a man. I’m not ashamed to say that I need the strength of a man’s arms around me when I’m emotionally hurting. I’m not ashamed to say that I need his strength to protect me when someone breaks into my home. I’m not ashamed to say that I even need his strength to move furniture or change the tires on my vehicle or to help me work in the yard.

What the article got wrong is the idea that husband and wife are equal partners in all things. In God’s model the husband is the head of the wife and he loves her as Christ loves the church. This doesn’t look exactly the same in every household but it certainly looks like the wife caring for her husband, home and children and finding great joy in doing so. Proverbs 31 used to scare me and make me feel like such an absolute failure – but it shouldn’t! It should be a reminder of all that God can use me and my God given desires and gifts to be. Having a husband who leads with love and provides and protects and yes, helps on occassion is a gift that should be treasured.

I stated that I am proud of my sons as husbands and here is why. It is because of their leadership, their work ethic, their strength, their servant leadership and their outpouring of love that their wives feel valued and secure in their roles – and are able to thrive there. Yes, they do help – recognizing when their wives are weary, discouraged, struggling or just needing companionship while they’re fulfilling their roles. That’s the part of the article I loved. In conclusion: this is not intended to hurt those without husbands in any way. I find myself in that place once again today and having been widowed at one point and now divorced, I’ll be the first to say that God’s model is best! He promises to be the father to the fatherless and the husband to the widow. If that male leadership figure wasn’t necessary, I don’t think He would have given us this promise.