ForgottenWoman

Not Enough Words

It was just a week ago that I was battling real feelings of loneliness, discouragement, and was close to depression. I even reached out to a couple of my closest friends and just asked them to pray for me – that I wasn’t ok. Let me tell you that this is not easy for me to do! My faith has been challenged multiple times during my adult life, and I’ve been forced to look deeply at what I believe and why – and one would think that at some point, I would reach a place where nothing causes me to doubt the love of my Saviour, His care for me, His provision, His arms providing everlasting sustaining grace! But, alas, I’ve not arrived there.

My friends did pray for me, and I spent several days on my face before my Father and in His Word – renewing my mind and bolstering my faith. I felt secure in His will and knew that, though life was overwhelming me, my needs were still in the palm of the Almighty’s hand, and that was the best place to be! So, just as I made it through a week of uncertainty and financial challenges, an even bigger mountain was placed in front of me.

One of my sons came over for a little while, and my daughter jokingly asked him if I was going to fall through the floor one day while showering. We had noticed that something wasn’t right; there were indications that there was a leak somewhere between my upstairs bathroom and the downstairs laundry room. Long story short, there was a major problem that is requiring the removal of the shower, tub, flooring, framing, and more in my bathroom/bedroom. When I was told all of this; I can honestly tell you that I felt no sense of panic, no stress – I just said ok and went back to the Lord in prayer. I told my son to let me know everything I needed to know and we would figure it out. Throughout the evening, he texted me to let me know the details and items that would need to be purchased and his suggestions.

In my mind, I told myself that it would be several months before I would have the use of my bathroom, and I would be fine. I texted my son and told him that I could not pay a lump sum, but I would figure out how to pay monthly for whatever was needed. He said, “Ok, we will figure something out that you can handle!” I was reminding the Lord that I would need wisdom in coming up with the extra monthly payment that was going to be required moving forward.

As I share this very personal journey, I want to remind my readers that God promises to be everything that we need when we surrender everything and trust Him. He doesn’t promise an easy path. I also want to remind you that He uses us in one another’s lives – that is how He often provides! Too often, we miss opportunities to be and do for others—and to teach our children to be and do the same. Sometimes, we are so engrossed in our own little worlds that we have no idea how we could invest in the lives around us and be true blessings. Remember, that I shared that just the week previous to last, I found myself wondering each day where and how God was going to provide?

Well, the very next day (after discovering our problem), my son called to tell me that he would be here in 30 minutes – to get everything out of my bathroom! *Oh, this isn’t going to be months down the road! This is happening! He showed up and began removing the shower, tub, and everything around them that needed to be taken out. He showed me his plan for rebuilding/replacing, and I thought it was all beautiful! I told him that I trusted him with those decisions and I would be happy with every bit of it. All through that day, I silently prayed for calmness and that the Lord would show me how to earn the extra money needed to pay for all of this. It appeared at the time to be just one more extra burden – one more chance to lean in to The One Who has promised to never leave me or forsake me!

As my son was winding up the work for the day, he casually said, “By the way, Mom. This is your Christmas present from us. I sent a text to the other sons last night – I’m doing the work and it’s paid for!” Y’all, I didn’t collapse on the floor, but I almost did. I would be asked later by one of those sons why no one had been told there was a problem before… that they couldn’t help me if I didn’t let them know!

First of all, let me say here that I am very aware of the blessing that I have in my 9 children. Very. They are wonderful to me, and those who are married have wives who are also wonderful to me – rejoice with me when their husbands take care of me and let me know that they are supportive of all of this! In fact, these girls love me well too! Secondly, let me say that I am aware that my needs are not their primary responsibility, and yet they find ways. Also, I never want to be a burden to anyone and desire to be a blessing to them, a help to them; to be able to invest in their lives. It’s hard on the pride of a mother to ‘be taken care of’ instead of ‘taking care of.”

So, on this Monday morning, while I try to find balance between my deep gratitude and my broken pride, I realize that in all of this, God is teaching me so much! My heart is grieved that the responsibility for my welfare has been placed on my children’s shoulders, but I am overwhelmed with the reality of their love and willingness to pick that up and carry it. The ‘boys’ literally ‘man up’ every time a challenge is put in front of them, and the girls literally dig deep and help me; they willingly learn new things and grow when it’s required of them! What an amazing team they make – and what a blessed Momma I am.

It is with tears streaming down my face that I share this story with you, with a humble heart and a realization that what breaks me down over and over is the same thing that allows me to see more clearly – the very thing that is producing growth within me! “If I’m better broken, I’ll be broken for You, Lord!” As always, I share openly so that you may also learn through my experiences!