ForgottenWoman

In My Head

To be honest; I’m not sure if I’ll ever publish this article and I’ll warn you now that it will be random, raw, and maybe even contain some things that readers don’t understand. If I do publish it; it will be for the sole purpose of authentically exploring and sharing.

Who we are today is the result of choices, experiences, priorities, surroundings and more – of life. When faced with “hard things” in life; we are definitely being molded, changed, and refined but who we are is also being revealed. After all, with each challenge, we have choices – how will I respond to this?! You’ve all heard the illustration of the tea bag. When hot water is added, whatever is in the tea bag is what makes the tea. If I have a lemon tea bag steeping in hot water, I’m not going to get chai out of it. What seeps from my life when the hot water is added? What’s inside!

So, personally, I’m facing a brand new challenge—one that I’ve never faced before! Last night, I received the call that the out-of-control fires in South Carolina were 7 miles from my home and moving quickly in our direction. I was told to be prepared for evacuation.

So, here’s where I may lose you. I’m going to try to share the incredible mixture of emotions and energy that hit; my responses and where all of that is today.

“Gather your important papers and what is most valuable to you!” Ok. So, I went to my ‘box’ containing papers and grabbed out what I thought that meant, all the while thinking – can’t I just go online and order new papers if something happens? Isn’t there a record of all of this somewhere on the web? I put a few files into a bag, added one photo of my husband that passed away before we had photos on our phones and computers. That one could never be replaced. I took this one bag to my car.

My adult children who share my home were each in their spaces grabbing the things that matter most to them and doing a much better job than I was. At this point, I realized that my insides were literally swirling and I felt dizzy. I sat down for a minute and looked around me. “Grab what’s most valuable to you.”????? I’ve spent my life focused on my people and being a homemaker… a homemaker. So much has been poured into this home that I love. There are memories in every corner and the items I’ve scattered throughout my home are linked to someone that I love dearly. My heart would be crushed to lose any of it – and yet; I can’t pack it all up -just in case.

I was tempted to go sit on my porch and take in the peace of the place just in case it was the last time I could do so – but I knew that I needed to be busy – doing something. But what?? At that moment I took a picture of the above photo. My favorite wall in the house is where my 9 children’s baby photos are displayed..

At that moment a car came racing up my driveway and I feared it was the authorities telling us we had to leave. I opened the back door to see that it was one of my sons who had come to check on us, to let us know what we should do and probably just to look at me and see if I was handling this…

For the next few moments 5 of my children and I stood in the kitchen and talked about what is replaceable, what we would do if, and what we needed to do just in case. A text from another son who is in the thick of the firefight gave us a little bit of encouragement. My thoughts in those moments? I am so stinkin’ proud of my children. Every personality, every gift, every quirk, every strength… they all come together in times like this and they literally “man up!” Every single one of them. My married sons take care of their little families AND me and their sisters. My very young adult sons 21 and 23 -simply ask what they need to do; and they do it. I’ve already received calls from those who aren’t here to check on us today.

Yes, I have thought over and over during the past few hours and over the past few years that I am SO glad that I spent most of my adult life focused on raising these “children.” In a world where that choice isn’t as respected as it once was, in a world where there is no financial reward for choosing homemaking and homeschooling, in a world where my value as a person is often questioned and mocked: there are 9 humans on this planet that not only do whatever is necessary to take care of me, they are incredible adults.

While I was making those choices, I wasn’t building financial security – I believed that my work was appreciated and that all of those years of investment was worthy of being taken care of. Now that I am walking the road that feels like it wasn’t valued, wasn’t appreciated and doesn’t deserve being taken care of – I’ve been asked several times if I regret my choices. – If I regret not being sure I was making my own money all of those years. The answer is no. It’s a precarious line to sit on because I certainly cannot take credit or blame for the choices my adult children make day in and day out but I do know that God has blessed my efforts, He has filled in the gaps where I was not enough and I am surrounded by incredible humans that I call my children. I like to believe that my choice to pour my life into theirs has something to do with that. One of my daughters said to me recently when I commented on their relationships to one another, “Momma, you taught us that! You showed us how to love.” I see the ripple effect of who they are spilling out into the lives of so many others, and I smile inside and think, “It is worth it all!”

I finally fell asleep last night after we each promised to wake the another up if someone came to the door or if I received a call to evacuate. When I woke this morning the entire sky looked gray with smoke – and I felt a strange relief that I could actually see. The darkness of night always seems to add to anxiety. After a few minutes I could see blue sky all around and I wondered what was happening with the fires. It wasn’t long before I found the information I needed and received the phone calls updating me. Some of my friends had been evacuated in the night, but the fire coming toward us had calmed down a little bit. We have been warned, however; the conditions expected today could cause the fires to again begin moving rapidly in our direction. We are to stay on alert.

As I write this, I just received a video text from a friend who is in Brevard from out of town. She had traveled to surprise us and attend our Bible studies this week and we had to cancel. The video that she just sent me is of her sitting outside of my shop, Tranquility and praying for us! Thank you, Lord, for real friends! It wasn’t too long ago that someone told me that I had no friends, that no one cared about me or needed me. Over the past few years, the Lord has used many experiences and circumstances to show me that those words were lies meant to cause me to doubt myself and what I’ve given my entire life to. I not only have friends, I have incredible, praying, authentic, fun, loving, and caring friends. I have friends who pray for one another, who give sacrificially for one another, who work for the benefit of one another, and who are determined to grow and serve the Lord together, as iron sharpens iron. Yes, I do have friends and it is through the most heartwrenching life circumstances that I am coming to recognize that and to heal from lies that had so affected my thinking.

Old hymns are playing in the background. Words that I need to hear over and over. “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!” “Leaning on the everlasting arms.” “I will take care of you!”

Psalm 91 which I’ve been working to memorize, is the stabilizer of my mind these past 24 hours. Another reminder of why it is so important to renew our minds.

In these moments that we are so concerned about our own homes and properties; I keep stopping to think about those who have already been required to evacuate. Those who have already lost precious things – in my “spirituality,” I know that our homes and possessions are temporary and nothing compared to what God has planned for us. After all, I live by the motto: “Get your mind out of time and into eternity>” The reality is that there are beautiful parts of life that God has granted us, to be enjoyed, to be loved, to be taken care of, and to be treasured. He blesses us with homes for rest, for comfort, for safety, for growth, and for relationships. In these moments, I am more thankful for that than I’ve ever been before. In my human-ness I hope and pray this is not something else that I’m required to lose in this life. I keep praying, “Lord, please protect our home!”

You know what? Want real and raw? I shouldn’t be facing this without the leadership and comfort of my husband. I’m not against women by any means, but I know that God created us differently; He created us to bear different crosses in this life, and men are built to lead, to carry loads we just shouldn’t have to. They are supposed to bear things that we as women aren’t equipped to bear. My sensitivity, my emotions, my nurturing nature are not negative. Those are parts of me that were created to be protected by someone less sensitive, less emotional and yes; less nurturing. Someone who is equipped to handle the heavy lifting of life.

But here I am. Men who walk away from responsibility and family may think that they have it made – living their best life and being “rid” of the burden of their wives, but God sees. God steps in and strengthens. I’m doing things I shouldn’t have to do, but I’m leaning heavily emotionally and physically on my adult sons. They shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility of me – but you know what? They do it without complaining, and they don’t tell me I’m a burden. They tell me that they want to do it! If you’re a man reading this, man up! I know the world has told you that masculinity is evil and that women don’t want you to ‘be the man’ but the right kind of women do! We long for it. We need it. And we are better at being who we were created to be when you step into being The Man.

I just received another update while here writing – the winds are picking up and the fire that is coming toward my home is expected to pick up speed and intensity this afternoon. Due to the difficult terrain and other factors, the fire is being fought largely from overhead – I can hear the planes flying over my house and I’m praying for every emergency worker involved. I’m praying that God would take their efforts and multiply them beyond human understanding to get this thing under control – that more don’t lose their homes and that lives would be spared. Is God able? Absolutely! Does He love us? Absolutely! Does He care about what is important to us? Yes, He does! He is NOT an unfeeling, detached god. He is the loving, almighty, just, and righteous God Who sent His own Son to die for you and me. Yes, He cares.

I wish I had the ability to build a mote around my house and property – water, water everywhere! (I warned you about random thoughts in this article). Should I be outside with a leaf blower? Isn’t there something I can do to protect my home? Apparently, there isn’t anything I can do except pray. Oh, yes. THAT is the most important thing!

You and I have been given an open invitaion, actually an order – to pray without ceasing. Today we have some very specific things to pray over and for. Let’s do that! My cleaning helps me use up this energy that is running through my body, my packing a few things up makes me feel like I’m doing something productive; but in reality – the thing you and I should be doing right now is PRAYING for God’s protection, for His provision, for His intervention. Let’s do THAT!