ForgottenWoman

The Need for Validation

I never really understood the value of validation until I was sitting in the office of a therapist for the first time. Being anxious and a bit humbled by my need to be there, I sat quietly watching her and wondering what this was going to look like. She began the conversation with a series of questions that I answered briefly. After each of my answers she would simply nod and then dig a bit deeper. After about an hour of this back and forth, she put her notebook down and leaned forward and looked me square in the face and these were the words she said. “Joy, the first thing I want to say to you is this. I validate your feelings!” Y’all know that I immediately thought, “Well, of course! Isn’t that the perfect line for a therapist to begin with. I’ve taken the courses – I’m pretty sure this is what you are supposed to say to make me feel better!” Yeah, I was skeptical that talking to anyone was going to be helpful in my healing process. But then, she got my attention.

As she continued to talk, she began to recount instances of emotional and verbal abuse that she had not only heard me speak of; she began to talk about what she herself had witnessed 20 years prior to this conversation. See, we knew each other long before our “office appointment.” As she spoke, the sobs began to whell up within me and tumble out. There was a great relief, a soothing balm that began to run over my inner wounds that day – her validation was the first time I knew I had an advocate – someone who not only believed me, but someone who had witnessed it firsthand and had prayed for me and been concerned for me for years. The word validation took on a new meaning for me that day. Being validated meant that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t imagining the abuse that had caused so much pain – It was real and I could face it as real and deal with the bruises and heal. There will always be scars: but scars come with healing – bruises remain until the healing takes place.

I can’t help but remember this understanding when working with women after their abortions. What I am learning about Post Abortive Healing is that millions of women are stuck in the pain because there is absolutely no validation. We don’t really understand abortion as a society. We argue over laws about it – debating in circles year after year. In our conversations we focus on abortion as a moral and political issue. What we aren’t acknowledging is that it is a life changing experience. In short, grief after an abortion is not expected: it isn’t even permitted in our society. But the truth is that the idea that abortion has few, if any psychological risks is FALSE.

Because of this false idea, the millions of women who do experience severe emotional issues after their abortion are left to suffer in silence, without validation or support from family, friends, church, society as a whole and even professional therapists! In future articles we will look at the specifics: the false ideas and the truth. We are striving for healing for every woman who is suffering post abortion and in order to reach that healing we have to validate the wounds!

For today I leave you with a letter from one woman who wrote openly about her feelings. “I am angry. I am angry at Gloria Steinam and every woman who ever had an abortion and didn’t tell me about this kind of pain. There is a conspiracy among the ‘sisterhood’ not to tell each other about guilt, and self-hatred and terror. Having an abortion is NOT like having a wart removed or your nails done or your hair cut, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar or worse.”