ForgottenWoman

Again? Really?

On this third week of July 2024, I find that I am battling my “self” again! I can’t compare myself to the Apostle Paul in many ways but when he said, “The things I want to do, I don’t do and the things I don’t want to do, I do…” I can completely relate with him in this one area. This afternoon as I share this raw footage of my life, I can only pray that God will use my weakness in the life of someone who comes along and reads.

This week each year, for the past 37 years, has been one that I crawl through like a very crippled woman. My mind knows, my emotions know and yes, even my body knows that on July 27, 1987 in a matter of seconds my world was turned upside down. When I talk to people about the reality of grief, I can assure them that it isn’t a phase of life that we go through; it is an addition to life that we learn to live with. Each year as the anniversary approaches, I plan with great intentions to be in better control of my “feelings.” And each year I hobble along.

Well, in addition to that little battle going on within me, I (like everyone else on the planet) have other life situations that are not what I would choose. I saturate myself with the Word of God, I pray constantly and I determine each morning that I WILL do this God’s way; or else! And then, something happens and I blow it, big! I think and say things that go against everything I believe, everything that I desire and everything that I know God is teaching me. And I feel utterly hopeless and wallow in my failures for a few hours or days.

But then there is a what we call a “Come to Jesus” meeting within my soul and I find myself asking Him what in the world is going on within me? Why am I wrestling with these thoughts that I know are wrong? Why am I wishing for things that I know go against what You have required of me? Y’all, are you ready for the answer? Here it is. I allowed my focus to move from my Father and others and I turned it to me.

Yep. There it is. I didn’t immediately SQUASH the thoughts that were about me. And when I didn’t immediately squash them (I know that probably isn’t the correct word) they took root and instead of thinking God’s way about things, well; I began to think with my little human, self-centered brain. And, I promise you that this does no one any good. In fact, as God told Cain in Genesis, “Why are you sitting here stewing about this? Sin is crouching at your door!” SIN? YEP. Self focus, self-centeredness and the pride that puts my wants and needs above others and above God’s glory: well, it is sin and must be recognized as such, confessed and turned from!

So – there you have it. I’m focusing my heart and mind this afternoon, having confessed my lapse into self thoughts and words and I’m praying that God will be glorified in and through my life. May our lapses be short-lived and the damage done be repaired by His grace in our lives!