ForgottenWoman

Don’t talk about it!

Suicide

This morning I wish that I didn’t feel so much conviction to delve into another controversial subject; but last week my heart and mind kept going here and over the weekend as I asked the Lord to push my heart in one direction or another – well; it became very obvious that someone who reads my “stuff” is battling and needs the encouragement of other believers in this area.

Over and over in Scripture we read about the joy of the Lord and we know that true joy isn’t the result of our circumstances; but the result of our HOPE in Christ. While on a personal level I am going to continue to place my focus on Christ and the hope I have in Him regardless of my circumstances in life; and while I’m inspired by messages from pulpits and authors that point me there as well: I want to ask each of my readers today to consider what has been missing and even deliberately ignored and pushed aside.

Sadness, heartache, betryal, disappointment, grief, discouragement and even despair are very real emotions that yes; even believers endure. It has been stated, and I believe it is true, that there is nothing more crushing in one’s life than betrayal and hopelessness. What does any believer know when we find ourselves in these situations? We KNOW that God loves us, that He sent His Son to die for us, that we are precious in His sight and that He is our source of hope and joy. We may even know that we are suffering because of the lies of Satan and sins of others and not necessarily because of our own wrongdoing. And yes, we may even be able to articulate truth that should encourage us. However: what we know and what we feel are not always the same thing.

And in the depths of difficult feelings we may find ourselves beyond discouragement and reeling into deep depression. We may even find ourselves thinking that the world wouldn’t notice if we were gone. Yep. I said it. A believer may fall suddenly or in an instant of deep pain into suicidal thoughts. I believe that one of the worst things we as a “church” have done is to connect shame to this. If I am truly struggling with these feelings and I know that telling anyone will forever change their perspective of me; putting me into a category as spiritually, mentally or emotionally weak – guess what? I’m going to sink deeper and deeper into a place of “alone-ness” and my feelings will only become darker.

Only my eldest children know that I ever found myself in this place. Why? Because there was no safe place to go. On one occassion, I removed myself from my home and family and put myslef in a hotel room for two days alone with nothing but my Bible. And I consumed God’s Word until I could again “face life!” Did I feel like I must be weak to have gotten to this point? I did. Was I chastised for daring to take a few hours or days alone to try to cope with all that I was dealing with? I was. Did I feel like there was anyone to whom I could go and seek help for the cirucmstances that were driving me to such discouragement/depression? I did not. And I was surrounded by believers, upstanding Christian leaders who spend their lives telling the rest of us what it means to live godly lives. I had learned that if I breathed a whisper of struggling in an area of my life, they would distance themselves from me quickly. Their view of me changed the moment I acknowledged imperfection. At no point in my experiences with this was the cause of my pain addressed. My crumbling under the weight of it was addressed. I should have never become that down, I should have never expressed my thoughts, I should have been stronger. The fact is that the strength I was able to gain from my time in God’s Word is the very reason I survived. It wasn’t weakness to be beat down – it was strength that allowed me to stand back up.

So, today I am bringing up the subject. Here are facts. Life is hard. Circumstances of life or the actions of others can crush us. “Bear one another’s burdens,” isn’t an instruction given to believers that is limited to what we understand or have experienced. “Suck it up, Buttercup!” has been the mantra of believers for way too long. “Don’t cry! That upsets others!” is also a favorite quote of those more concerned about appearances than how you are really doing. How about, “I have never been hurt that deeply, but I can see that you are in pain and I’m here to hold you up!” Can I tell you that this simple sentence will go much further to soothing an aching heart than any reminders to “Don’t be bitter!” or “Should you really be talking about this?” or “Believers just don’t ever get that discouraged!” “Where is your faith?” and more.

There is no shame in feeling devestation that leads to questioning your own value as a human. None. There is shame in the fact that we cannot freely express where we are and ask for the very literal lifting up of our arms! We must do better! When we handle these extreme emotional plunges of others with love, grace, kindness and without standing on our superior holy perches; we are loving like Jesus in one of the best ways possible and the time spent in the “depths” of despair can be short-lived and will hopefully result in victory and not the action of suicide.

I stated at the beginning that over the weekend the Lord seemed to be pushing my heart to go ahead and tackle this subject. After receiving permission to share some of what was brought to my attention this weekend, I’ll have a follow up article with more. As always, thank you for reading, sharing and your support.