ForgottenWoman

Stop saying that, please!

In talking about grief today I’m going to hit on one of the most unrealistic demands made by well meaning friends, family, pastors, and even counselors. While not pretending to be an authority on many things; I can tell you that I do know a little bit about this subject, about the processes and about the fact that many well- meaning people say things because they just don’t get it. There is much about deep grief that is not understandable until it is experienced.

Have you ever thought to yourself that someone really needs to just “get over it and move on with life!”? Maybe you’ve even said it out loud to someone that you think is sitting too long in the memories of a loved one. Here’s the thing. The death of someone as close as a spouse is NOT a moment that anyone simply moves on from. I’m going to focus on spouse here, because I know this subject well. The idea that you don’t “just move on” may also be applied to the death of a parent, a child, a sibling or anyone who is an intrical part of your life.

Grieving the loss is not a moment or even a limit of time that someone simply moves on from. We never move on because it simply is not possible. Why? Because they are a part of us – always. Their impact on our lives determined the very people that we are today.

To insist that someone “move on” is simply an indication that you don’t realize what the death of a spouse really means. It doesn’t mean that a “part” of your life is over so you need to move on as if the individual never existed. New relationships should never mean that you are forced to pretend your spouse that has passed away isn’t a part of your very being – the very idea turns your life into a mockery, pretending that things are not as they really are!

It isn’t that a corner of your life has changed. It is that every aspect of your life has lost it’s center. Your daily plans, activities, thoughts and even purposes are uprooted. Even the smells of your life are dramatically changed. The person you woke up with each morning and layed down with each night is no longer with you. Your grocery list changes because you are no longer shopping based on your loved one’s tastes. That walk down every aisle in the grocery store is a reminder of this. Even the way you cook, decorate, and entertain yourself looks different. Sitting in church alone, watching ballgames alone, working in the yard alone when you are used to doing so with your best friend close by are constant reminders of how your life has changed. How your needs are provided for changes with the death of a spouse, where you go and who you go with even changes. Friend groups that are formed with couples are no longer comfortable places for the widow or widower in many cases. In some extreme cases even more is changed. For me, everything in my life changed with the death of my spouse: my home was gone, my vehicle, my income, my ministry, my church – as well as everything mentioned before. The only thing that remained was our sons. And yes, there were many well meaning voices who kept saying, “You need to move on! You are young. Just start your adult life over!” JUST?

Sometimes, the words, “Just move on!” are spoken when a remaining spouse does get to the place where she isn’t crying constantly, every memory doesn’t bring her to tears but she finds comfort in rehearsing the memories that pop into her head at various times. For example: her spouse taught her how to accomplish a certain task and as she attempts it, she may say to anyone close by, “Jonnie taught me how to make spaghetti,” and while she isn’t sobbing in her plate; she is grieving within her that he is no longer with her. Many settings or locations will bring back a flood of memories and too often, after a certain amount of time; the remaining spouse finds herself burying her thoughts, stuffing down her emotions because she is sure no one wants to hear her thoughts; everyone believes she has reached her time limit. It’s time to move on! What she really needs is the freedom to continue to BE who she is and that is someone who has walked through a part of life that is a part of the very fabric of her being. She doesn’t even view life the same. No amount of time changes that fact.

What if there is remarriage? Has she/he moved on then? Do they close the door on all of the parts of them that include the deceased spouse? NO! When someone chooses to remarry after the death of a spouse, it is unreasonable to believe that the grieving suddenly ends or that parts of the individual’s being have been cut out and no longer remain. They have chosen to add to their life: and to think that this takes anything away from all that they already are and have already experienced is unreasonable. Hopefully, the day in and day out sorrow and pain is replaced with a new love that fills new parts of her life – but it doesn’t change or remove all that she is because of the life she shared with the deceased spouse.

I do believe it takes a very mature and special person to marry someone who has been widowed. Their identity must be secure in Christ so that they can navigate and support through the grief and memories that will surface. If there are children involved there must be a respect for all that is involved there as well. In fact, allowing one another to be honest and open about those hidden places of the heart will only deepen the connection with the current spouse while honoring what is reality.

So, please stop demanding that one “move on!” How about we instead we love them fully by respecting where they’ve been; understanding that anyone who loves deeply has probably grieved deeply – and that their great love comes from a place of experiences that you don’t move on from: but that you build on!