ForgottenWoman

Defining Moments #16

  Join me on my porch in Virginia a few weeks after Jonnie’s death.  (Yes, I am taking you back a few months and we are on the camp property trying to absorb reality) 

  I have put the babies to bed and I’m gazing at the stars trying to figure out exactly where Heaven is located.  (It’s interesting what we think about when faced with the realities of life)  As I search the heavens and watch the stars I realize how amazingly huge the galaxies beyond Earth are. I start to think about all of space, the planets, all of creation, and then I focus on just Earth.  I imagine looking down at Earth from the heavens, from wherever THE heaven that we read about and believe to exist is.  I’m overwhelmed with the understanding of all that God created and I’m struck with how tiny and insignificant I am in relation to all of it.   At first, I’m overcome with new grief when I think about Jonnie in heaven.  I don’t understand all of the theology concerning life after death but I know he is gone and surely has not given a thought to me or our boys.  Then I think about Hebrews and the great cloud of witnesses and I think; “Well, maybe!” (But I digress)   I am reminded of what I know about my God because of the promises in His Word and because of His presence with me.  I rehearse the specific cries and answers to prayer that I have experienced and I realize that yes, I am just a tiny part of this vast creation but He loves me. His word tells me that He puts my tears in a bottle,  that He hears my every cry and He provides for me.   God owes me nothing but He loves me.  He has a purpose for me and my job is to love Him and to love others.  If I do that He will use me.

I guess the lesson in this visit to my porch from years ago is just that with a new vision I can see life differently.  Time doesn’t matter.  My daily trials and tribulations don’t matter.  Eternity matters and what my little life brings to other souls matters.

     During this period of my life I took on a new motto and I have carried it with me to this day.  “Is this going to matter in eternity?”  While it has been something my children have liked to teasingly remind me of when I mention that a floor needs cleaning or other necessary tasks need to be done, it is a motto that will transform an attitude in the heat of a difficult moment.  I can share some very personal examples.  One of my sons was like many boys when he was very young.  His ADHD was exacerbated by his severe food allergies.  Some of his behaviors had no rhyme or reason.  He wasn’t rude or disrespectful or ugly in his behavior.  He just did things that no one else would think of doing.  One night I was preparing for a speaking engagement.  He and his older brother were playing quietly while waiting for me.  (Or so I thought)    When I came out of the bedroom I found all 40+ framed photographs from my living room wall lined up down the hallway.  He thought it was a beautiful way to redecorate. Another night he did the same with every necklace I owned.  It was going to be a task to get everything positioned just right back on the walls but I had one thought:  “Is this going to matter in eternity?”  And I had one answer:  “Absolutely not!  But my response to this crazy kid is!”   I want my kids to want my God!  I want my kids to look at my reaction to things in life that are frustrating and know that my love for them surpasses any frustration or inconvenience!  I want them to want my God!   How about the night he spilled a pitcher of red Kool Aid on my white carpet?  No, this was NOT going to matter in eternity but my response to him would!  I would carry this motto with me through the years with many more children and many more life “happenings”! 

Along with this perspective came a new approach to my own grief and needs.  The God that I was so afraid of making angry with my piddly mistakes growing up was now truly my lifeline!  My heart hurt and there were things that others may have considered silly that I began to go to my Heavenly Father for.  One example is my need to be reminded that God was hearing my prayers, my need to know that Jonnie truly was ok and just comfort for my heart to be honest.  One late night I was in my bath and the tears were flowing!  I was missing Jonnie terribly and really wanted to talk to him.  I wanted to hear from him.  Now, before you go nuts on me;  I am very aware that I cannot talk to someone who has died.  I am very aware that he cannot communicate with me.  What I did and do believe, however, is that my Heavenly Father hears me, is aware of my needs as well as what life after death looks like for the believer.  So, I communicated my thoughts to my Father.  I told him that I needed Jonnie to know that I missed him terribly and that I was doing my best to take care of his boys.  The next morning  I awoke so overwhelmed with grief that I knew I had to get myself under control in order to just do the day.  I had my 2 little boys that needed my care.  My sister had invited me to visit her and as I dressed the boys and started on my journey my prayer was simple.  “Lord, please remind me today that Jonnie is ok and that you are coming for us all soon!”  Does it sound like a desperate heart need?  It was!  What transpired during that day will never be forgotten and I will continue to share as long as people will hear me.  I was one stoplight from my sister’s apartment when a truck came over in the lane in front of me.  After I slammed on the brakes so that I wouldn’t hit him I saw a piece of simple 8.5  x 11 paper taped to his back window.  On it he had typed the words,  “Jesus is coming soon.  Are you ready?”   Do you think I doubted for a second that my Father had heard my prayer for a reminder?   It didn’t end there!  As soon as we walked into my sister’s living room she handed me a beautiful arrangement of flowers that she had made for me.  Attached was a card with this poem on it.  

Safely Home

         I am home in heaven, dear ones, Oh so happy and so bright!

         There is perfect joy and beauty in this everlasting light.

            All the pain and grief is over, Every restless tossing passed;

         I am now at peace forever, Safely home in heaven at last.

         Did you wonder how I so calmly, Trod the valley of the shade?

         Oh, but Jesus’ love illumined  Every dark and fearful glade.

         And He came Himself to meet me In that way so hard to tread;

         And with Jesus’ arm to lean on, Could I have one doubt or dread?

         Then you must not grieve so sorely,  For I love you dearly still;

         Try to look beyond earth’s shadows, Pray to trust our Father’s will.

         There is work still waiting for you, So you must not idly stand;

         Do it now, while life remains, You shall rest in Jesus’ land.

            When that work is all completed, He will gently call you home;

         Oh, the rapture of that meeting, Oh, the joy to see you come.

Nope, that is not an inspired poem but YES,  God used this to answer my breaking heart’s prayers on this particular day.  

  I could tell you story after story like this:  On my birthday in 1988, I took my boys and attended a basketball game that our nephew, Jonathan was playing in. He saw me in the gym and approached me with a rose and said, ”Jonnie loves you!”  I prayed for flowers just before Valentine’s Day of 1988 and a bouquet of beautiful roses was delivered to my home from one of Jonnie’s dear friends.  The card told me that Jonnie loved me!   Mother’s Day was another difficult day and I was given 3 roses by my father-in-law with the words,  “These are from your 3 men.  They love you.”  

  Our Father knows when our needs are desperate and He cares!   Are you feeling the great love of our great God as you stroll down memory lane with me?  I want every reader to know how much we are loved.  We never face life’s most difficult moments alone.  Remember that.  Now join me back in Charlotte after my move.  

   My conviction concerning caring for my boys was that I would continue to be a stay-at-home mom.  My down payment had been paid.  I had no income and in January my first house payment would be due!  It appeared to me that there were  many people who thought I was delusional.  In fact, someone very close to me suggested that I accept the fact that my life was not going to look anything like I wanted it to, to give up on the notion of being a stay at home mom and allow extended family to watch my boys while I went out to work.  Others called to encourage me to give up on it…  just go get a job!   My belief was that what my boys needed more than anything at this time was that their mom stand strong.  I was not willing to negotiate my time with them.  I was not willing to hand them over to anyone else to care for them.  While I stood firm on the outside I was inwardly terrified and constantly praying.  “God, I believe You have given me this conviction concerning my children.  Please provide!”    By the time January had rolled around, I had lined up piano students to teach in my home, had been informed that we would be receiving monthly social security checks for what Jonnie had put in during his short adult life (this would pay for food and gas) and then I received a phone call that will forever remain another defining moment.  I stood at the kitchen counter when I answered the phone and heard the words,  “Well, I guess you may be able to pay your mortgage!  We just received word that because Jonnie was killed on camp property while doing his job you are entitled to a workman’s compensation check.”   The amount of the monthly check was the exact amount of my mortgage!  As I hung up the phone I fell to my knees and I thanked my Heavenly Father for not only providing for us but for reaffirming my decision to focus on my boys.  I felt He had miraculously and specifically provided for our home.  While Jonnie was killed 3 days before his life insurance was to take effect, had he lost his life after leaving the camp property, we would not have received this compensation.    

  There is so much more to tell… but I want you to think about what I’ve shared today. It tells us so much about our Heavenly Father and His love for us!