ForgottenWoman

Loving Those Who Are Grieving

Experiencing grief in life is inevitable – and no two experiences are identical. However; there are some things that we all have in common with others who grieve. I’m not an expert in grief but I am well “practiced” in a variety of types of grieving. The lessons learned are many – and continue. Today I’d love to speak to the need for you and I to love well when others are walking through their own grief.

Just this past week my brother in law lost his wife to death. His texts to me early in the day indicated that she wasn’t well and he needed to know someone was praying. My response: simple. “I’m praying for her and you!” He didn’t need me to say anything else. He wasn’t looking for me to make suggestions as to how to care for her. He wasn’t looking for advice from me. He was looking for someone who would care about what he was feeling and who would pray for them. Period.

Later in the day when he called to tell me that she had passed away; he again didn’t need advice from me. He didn’t need me to tell him how to feel, what to say to family, what to say to doctors, how to interact with her children and grandchildren, where to bury her or how to handle the planning of her service. He needed me to listen and tell him he was loved and that he had loved her well. That’s what I did – for the next 3 days. He received texts from me telling him that he had loved her well and that I was praying for him. He needed me to respond to his texts that expressed his sadness with, “I’m so sorry! I love you. I’m praying for you. Sis”

How did I know what he needed? Because I’ve lived the death of a spouse. I’ve lived the full spectrum of responses from those surrounding me at the time. What did I need? I needed to be held and told that I was loved. I needed to be heard when I wanted to talk about my husband. I needed to be told that he loved me. I didn’t need pressure to do or say the right thing – I needed freedom to feel and express what I felt. I appreciated those who allowed that.

When it comes to what to say immediately following a death; less is more. I cannot say that I know exactly how anyone is feeling. I don’t. I minimalize their pain when I try to compare it to mine. To say, “God allowed it so it must be best,” may be true; but it is incredibly insensitive to the ears of someone who is hurting so deeply. One of the things that I remember being said to me that meant so much was, “Do you know the verse in Psalms that talks about God holding our tears in a bottle? He knows just how badly you are hurting and He cares!” THAT hit the mark.

When it comes to speaking to someone who is grieving – don’t compare your situation to theirs in any way. For example: “Losing a child is worse than losing a spouse!” Yes, parents say it to the spouse! or “I understand how you feel – I lost my dog last week!” Yes, someone actually said this to me in the receiving line of the funeral home after my husband’s death! How about this? “You are so young – you weren’t married long enough for this to really be that big of a deal!” Yep! You guessed it. It was said. Or, “You’ll find a new husband!” How about recieving written cards like this? “I just wanted to write you and tell you that I heard about the death of your husband. I experienced this and remarried a few months later. Wanted you to know!” Really? Do you really think that a young widow grieving the recent death of her husband is thinking about remarriage? These types of statements not only are a direct insult to the grieving one; they also cause the one who is already in so much pain to retreat, to try to hide what they are feeling and even feel guilt for needing to express it!

Grief affects us emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally! Support from others in each of these areas can mean the difference in survival or devestaton. In the future we will tackle this more and deal with a variety of types of grief. but today I just want to encourage us to consider HOW we can be a support for others – specifically those who have lost a spouse to death. I’ll give us a starting point with one suggestion for each area.

*Emotionally: LISTEN. Ask the one grieving a specific question that shows an interest in how they are feeling. For example: “Tell me about the first time he told you that he loved you.” Yes – being reminded of those types of moments and being able to express them to someone who is actually listening – will bring tears and with the tears, a tiny bit of healing.

*Spiritually: ACTIVELY POINT TO THE COMFORT OF ALMIGHTY GOD. Wrap your arms around the one grieving and pray out loud for them. In your prayer mention that you cannot imagine their pain but you know that God sees and hears and knows all and ask Him to give comfort. Remind them in your prayer of Scripture that says He cares! In doing so, you have encouraged them spiritually by pointing to the God of all comfort – but you haven’t lectured or preached at them. You’ve actually actively taken them to Him.

*Physically: When someone is grieving and has no responsibility to care for someone else, they may retreat and do nothing physically active. They don’t feel like doing anything – and that is to be expected. But if you can find a way to draw them out to be active in some way, the movement is healing physically. So, INVITE them to walk, to play a sport they love, to go out to eat… anything that forces them to move. If they have the responsibility of children to care for they are being forced to get up and do every day already. But most of their activity is focused on the needs of others at this point. Still INVITE them to do something active that is for them – provide the childcare and get them moving. If you are doing something active with them; don’t force conversation. Let them just be there and listen if they choose to talk.

Mentally: What is happening mentally to someone who is grieving the loss of their spouse is exhausting. The amount of thoughts running through their heads continually range from guilt (I should have done this or that) to worry (what’s going to happen to me now) to anger (Why did this happen) to sorrow (I just cannot keep living without him/her) to what now (their whole life has been altered) This is just the beginning of the mental stress that is overwhelming the mind of the grieving one. How can you help? BE THERE. How? Just be available and be quiet. They will say things that don’t make sense – they are processing more than you can imagine. They will make decisions and change their mind. Again, they are processing more than you can imagine. Stop yourself when you feel like telling them what they should be thinking or what they should be doing. All of the decisions and changes that have to be made will still be there after the fog has cleared and they are in a new place of processing. Their support people need to be that: support – NOT adding to the already overwhelming pressure they are feeling.

Lots to think about, I know! But if you truly want to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the life of someone else during the most difficult of experiences; this is a start. We’ve got lots to cover: let’s determine to care enough to make a difference!