ForgottenWoman

Lessons we can learn as observers

Many shared personal thoughts and stories soon after the world watched Gabby Petito’s story through the news and social media. Those who spoke up did so for many who endure the abuse of narcissism. I realize that narcissism is a new “buzz word” that is truly overused when describing someone who may be a bit selfish (aren’t we all?) It is also overused by those seeking to justify wrong behavior and responses of their own: “Oh, but my spouse is a narcissist, so I am justified in my reactions!” Today, I ask you to set aside those “over-uses” and understand that often real abuse and real struggles are ignored because of such over-use of labels. This happens in many areas of life. We need to pray for wisdom and discernment instead of turning a deaf ear and blind eye when someone uses a term we may be tired of hearing.

What needs to be heard is what is being endured by true victims and ignored by those who are looking in from the outside. A true narcissist is not someone who is a little bit or even a lot selfish. True narcissism is destructive – it is an abuse that cannot be described in simple terms. In fact, for those living in this type of abuse – being heard, seen, understood or helped seems out of reach! The reasons are many.

Most of you will not want to read this. It’s hard to hear. It’s difficult to believe. It’s incredibly hard to observe and even identify in some cases – a true narcissist is the master of deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, smooth talking… And even when the victim reaches the ear of someone who should reach in and help, what seems to be the most common response? “She got herself into the relationship and it isn’t my problem!”

Let’s just dig in. It’s past time for men to require that other men man up. It’s past time for men and women to stop blaming the one already enduring the kind of abuse that destroys who the very essence of a person is. Often these types of abusers have no idea of what they are doing to others. Why? Because narcissism only sees self! Do I personally believe that it is a “diagnosis” that renders the abuser as beyond help or unable to “help it?” Absolutely not! We’ll discuss this further in another blog post. But today, I just want to start the ball rolling so to speak – ask you to start considering.

In real time, America watched what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship when Gabby’s story hit the internet. As is the case often with these types of stories; for many it’s simply emotional and over time is forgotten completely. I don’t want that to happen!

We, as a country, tuned in to this story as we learned of a beautiful girl who went on a cross country trip with her picture perfect boyfriend, only to have him return home a month and a half early… without her.

We heard her father say there were no red flags and her mother say she felt safe.

But then we saw the body cam footage of a hysterical girl, isolated and locked out of her own van. One thing that this showed us? You rarely see what’s really going on behind the scenes, or behind the camera; before and after the smiles are photographed.

We watched as many people speculated that because she admittedly had OCD and anxiety that she must have had “severe mental health issues.” After all, she seemed unstable “sobbing uncontrollably” after the incident.

We saw so many ignore the red flags. One big one for me? He was calm – even laughing with the officers after being in a physical altercation just moments before.

We listened as this genuinely upset and frightened woman placed blame on herself and immediately tried to protect her boyfriend, despite what had just transpired.

I saw the breakdown of her spirit as she told officers her boyfriend didn’t believe she was capable of doing the vlog… and that his words were in her head.

My heart sank as we all witnessed officers buying into Brian’s story. They failed her. The officers placed Gabby in the car and took Brian’s version at face value because he appeared to be emotionally collected. One officer even projected his own negative experience with a female who suffered from anxiety onto Gabby.

I personally saw men and women on social media accuse her of being abusive based on her reaction to the altercation. (There is a term for this called reactive abuse – and a true narcissist is capable of making sure others only see the reaction, not the abuse that triggered it)

We, as temporarily emotionally interested, waited on pins and needles, hoping for the best.

While we waited, we begged and pleaded for the only person who could have key information to speak and we were met with silence.

We identified his enablers: who happened to be his parents who hired his lawyer and sheltered their son.

We cried out in frustration as the only person of interest disappeared.

And finally, we were all given the news that we were all dreading. We literally saw it played out before our eyes!

This was a textbook abusive relationship with a narcissist and it ended in the most horrific way. What do we need to learn from this? We need to recognize what it looks like and understand that whether it ends in physical death or not; the life itself is a slow, agonziing death.

What does it look like? Several or all of the following:

Control

Manipulation

Gaslighting (hurting someone and then blaming them)

Isolation (Either not allowing other relationships or not allowing privacy and communication in those relationships)

Possessive behavior

Financial control / abuse

Charming to everyone but the person he abuses

Someone most people wouldn’t suspect – chameleon

The victim blaming herself

The victim protecting her abuser

Extremely Self Centered

Easily offended – cannot be challenged or disagreed with

Defensive – suggestions are criticisms

Considers himself the smartest in the room

Needs praise for every ‘good’ deed

Negative – points out the flaws of others constantly

Jealous of attention or success of others

Punishes with silence

His way is the only right way

Quick to instruct others on how to…

Lack of empathy or sympathy

Lack of remorse or sorrow over hurting others

Master of manipulation – yes, I listed that one already but we watched this in the story of Gabby.

We all saw it play out.

We need to recognize the signs.

We need to understand the dangers.

Just because it isn’t obviously physical does NOT mean that it will never become violent.

Emotional abuse is abuse.

It is so important that we learn to see through the reaction! When the victim reacts, breaks down, becomes emotionally overwhelmed or seems unstable; she is often required to go through counseling or therapy. The abuser is considered the normal one.

When the victim seeks help, she is asked a series of questions and often made to believe once again that she is to blame.

If the abuser is ever confronted, the ability to twist and maniputlate the facts leaves the victim once again helpless and hopeless.

Sadly, too often the victim will suffer silently for years and become a shell of the person she once was. She’ll endure the insults and accusations of her abuser and others who join in when her emotions are no longer contained. In some cases; like Gabby, the victim will become a reactive abuser and react violently to the abuse she has endured. She then becomes labeled as the violent abuser.

It isn’t because she is a violent person.

It isn’t because she is an aggressor.

It is because she in time reacts with violence, whether in self defense or because the emotional abuse boils to a point that violence is how she releases it.

I’m not a big fan and I don’t suggest anyone watch it; but I was asked to watch and critique a television show that some may be familiar with. It may be the most common, well known, relatable example to see, first hand, the cycle of emotional abuse. It is Jersey Shore. Again, it isn’t something I watch for entertainment but when I was asked to look into the characters I found this to be true: it shows the cycle and patterns of abuse that we are talking about.

To so many people, Sam was annoying. She was impulsive. She cried all the time. She seemed absolutely crazy; even turning on her female roommates and fighting over the anonymous letter. All behaviors that, from the outside seem completely ridiculous.

But in the end, Sam made it out. She ended things with Ronnie before anything seriously bad happened and went on to thrive. All of those mental health issues that she appeared to have: well, they are now nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile Ronnie faces many domestic violence charges in other relationships.

So hopefully you can see how mental health can spiral inside of an emotionally abusive relationship, how the female can easily be written off as crazy (hormonally embalanced) instead of being offered the help she needs and lastly, how the abuse will escalate over time. We just often don’t understand what’s happening in real time!

We watched it in the case of Gabby in real life and still, so many people didn’t understand.

Those who endure and survive these kinds of abusive relationships are reminded daily of how precious and fragile life is.

Those who endure and survive often undergo extensive therapy and counseling to help in their healing. They want others to put forth the effort to understand why they walk around with so many internal bruises and scars.

For those who endure and survive; it has become so easy to see through the facade and they want so badly for others to have the clear perspective.

Knowing that a narcissist is able to put on a front at any given moment, the new battle for the surviver is to quietly endure as they see others manipulated and fooled by their abuser. If an abuser slapped my face in front of you, you wouldn’t stand for it! But narcissistic abuse is constant slapping that is allowed without consequence to the abuser.

Back to Gabby..

I was shaken by her boyfriend’s behavior on the body cam.

It was sickening to watch a man, covered in fresh scratches; someone who just hit a curb while being pulled over, so calm and smiling. He was making light of the situation and laughing as he spoke about it. This is very typical of the true narcissist – joking and making light of something that is painful for others.

What else did I observe? He was deflecting time and time again by adding irrelevant things to his story; all the while doing his best to be personable and almost befriending the officers.

Maybe it’s because so many people are fortunate enough to have never experienced abuse from a true narcissist that they, instead, saw a “mentally disturbed female” and a “decent kid who was just attacked by his girlfriend” without understanding the emotional damage he had done over time and with his most recent actions: taking her phone, locking her out and attempting to make her walk in an unfamiliar place “to calm down” while he had control of her van and access to communication. Then he claimed she was not stable. She was absolutely terrified that he would leave her, and she reacted in violence in an attempt to regain control of her situation and belongings.

Knowing the signs is so important.

Individuals as well as the “system” need to learn the signs, need to care enough to pay attention!

The officers identified Gabby as someone going through an emotional breakdown rather than a woman reacting to emotional abuse.

I’m not pointing fingers at people – I’m pointing fingers at a problem!

Knowing how to identify these signs could literally be the difference between life and death. A violent death is horrific. A slow death through emotional and verbal abuse is horrific.

I want to encourage others to help anyone you know who is going through this. She didn’t ask for it. She didn’t bring it on herself. She doesn’t deserve it.

The story of Gabby is overwhelmingly tragic.

And be assured the true narcissist will always take the cowardly way out. We’ll disucss this further in the future.