ForgottenWoman

“Why are you seeing a therapist and talking about all of the hurt? Isn’t that just dredging up things and keeping it fresh? Isn’t it better to just forget it and move on? I just don’t believe in this therapy thing.” “Just forgive and forget!” Yes, these are some of the statements made to me when I first began this intense journey over a year ago.

There are so many problems with statements like these. I’ll just touch on a few here. No two individuals have faced the same offenses of life and not all pain can be easily erased. *Remember this when you are tempted to downplay someone else’s pain. Secondly, small offenses left unattended don’t remain small and many relationships have been destroyed by ignoring the little hurts while they pile up to become insurmountable issues. And the deep wounds from real hurt have no chance of going away when we ignore them. We cannot deny that unattended hurt can turn to hatred and deeply seated hatred within the heart turns to bitterness and bitterness will destroy from deep within! Often, people who have been hurt and attempt to carry on as if they haven’t; build walls, develop unhealthy traits and even dramatically change without realizing that the hurts of life have broken parts of them – and they are functioning as less than the individuals that God created them to be! Another problem is that if there is no offense then there is no need to even consider forgiveness; so in order for me to forgive, I must acknowledge that my pain was brought on by the actions of another. In short: If there is no pain – then there is no need to forgive! Too often, especially in the religious or Christian world we tend to want to pretend ‘all is well’ or glaze over true wrongs done. We may even be taught that this is the “Christian” thing to do. But by burying the wounds we rob ourselves of the opportunity to deal with it Biblically and we rob ourselves of any chance of healing. In the physical world a wound left unttended festers and grows and can even kill. In the world of our emotions; our very souls, a wound left unattended also festers and grows and can even kill.

When someone else hurts me, I may be completely innocent and guilty of no sin. But if I leave my pain unattended, I can very easily move into the category of one who is sinning! God warned Cain in Genesis that sin was crouching at his door… He told him to deal with the issue BEFORE it became sin. In Cain’s case, he was angry at God and angry at his brother because his sacrifice had not been accepted. He hadn’t been hurt by something done wrong by Abel or God of course, but he had been hurt nonetheless – and he wasn’t handling it. The pain of his hurt was festering; deeply rooted in his soul. Because he ignored God’s warning and didn’t deal with the bitterness crouching at his door, it became sin and ended with him murdering his brother. In the same way,, pain inflicted by the wrongs of someone else can fester and become that same kind of bitterness that leads to sin in the heart of the one hurt. So, to reitterate: why acknowledge the wrongs done to you? Why force yourself to remember and face the fact that they did indeed happen? Because if you do not, you risk sinning in your reaction, you cannot truly forgive and you cannot heal.

So, here in the very beginning of our look at forgiveness, I am going to ask you to honestly take stock. I guarantee you that this is only the beginning. What has been hanging out in the crevices of your heart will come to light during this study. For now, let’s just start with the surface things – what comes to mind immediately when I ask these questions?

*To get the most out of this, I encourage you to grab a notebook and start writing. Don’t fight the emotions that you may feel while writing down the answers to these questions. We’re acknowledging our hurts, our wounds, our bruises, our pain… so that we can start learning to forgive.

So let’s get started!

Who made you feel unwanted?

Who snubbed you recently?

Who stood you up or ignored your calls?

Who betrayed you?  

Who abused you financially?

Who lied to you?

Who lied about you?

Who let you down?

Who didn’t keep their promises to you?

Who walked away from you?  

Who abused you physically?

Who abused you emotionally?

Who pretended to be your friend but proved otherwise?

Who left you out?

…

I’ve given you a good start. Now, keep writing. For the next week or so, keep this notebook handy and ask the Lord to reveal to you past offenses as well as current offenses when they happen (and write them down). Obviously some of these will seem minor and some are quite major. We’ll discuss the difference in these during the study – but for now; we want to just start recognizing and acknowledging the hurt.

Now, look back at these – maybe some of the names are people that were acquaintances but not considered close – those hurt. The ones that you trusted, that you were intimate with, maybe family: those hurt immeasurably!  

So, we are going to look at these these in the future.  We’re going to really look at them, really think about what the betrayal was, what the lies were, what the disappointments were and we are going to get on our faces before God and we are going to talk about them!  Today, I ask you to look at each one and acknowledge this: THIS ISN’T FAIR.  This wasn’t fair!   I didn’t /don’t deserve this!  It hurt me. But God, YOU are just.  YOU hear me, YOU love me and I am ON PURPOSE giving each of these wounds to you! We will learn throughout this study that forgiveness is intentional. It is an act and it is a process. We’re just getting started.

Now, I like to challenge myself in the intentional parts of life and I’m going to challenge you as well. Go through your list several times in the next few days. Take the time to think through the incident, the moment, the words – whatever it is that brought you pain. Think about the individuals involved and try to put into words for yourself how you feel about this person: how do you see them: what do you wish for them?

And watch for my next post on Forgiveness!