ForgottenWoman

But can we talk about it?

Social media, like everything else in life has its pros and cons. But that isn’t the topic today. The topic, I believe has become something we must be willing to discuss because of the impact of the “sharing” on social media that we are a part of.

The topic? The bologna of many of today’s therapists and counselors and the great harm they are doing to many individuals and relationships.

During my teen and young adult years my parents gave me instructions when I left home and they knew I was safe when I arrived back in the driveway. There were no photos or texts sent through phones or posted across the globe telling them where I was or what activity I was involved in. It’s funny to think back – and realize that while what I was doing was not recorded like it all is today – I had a sense of The All Knowing God Whose opinion mattered. He knew exactly where I was and what I was doing and I had a respect for that. I expected discipline when I did wrong or didn’t abide by the parental rules established. Another funny thing: I didn’t know what my friends’ parents were or were not saying or doing – there was a simple respect that we all abided by. We all experienced the ups and downs of life, lived with the qualities and flaws of one another and for the most part learned to handle the good and the bad of every day life.

Back to the topic at hand. We have allowed so much garbage “information” into our homes, into our minds and into our philosophies of life that confusion, anger, bitterness , discouragement and depression are the banners of our day! This will be an ongoing discussion but I want to begin with a simple illustration.

I grew up in a home where my mother believed that too much praise to children from parents is a negative thing. She required much and sometimes even pointed out who was better at a given thing. My father quietly praised but not excessively. My confidence was and is not overwhelming. I also don’t have a falsely created high opinion of myself or my own abilities. As I look back at these facts I realize that neither of my parents were tryng to belittle or put down or create a lack of confidence in me. I can look at their thinking, what they had been taught about an overabundance of praise and I know that they were doing what they believed was best to raise children who were good humans. (In other words, they weren’t abusing me – they weren’t bad parents because of this style of parenting) As I became an older teen and then an adult, my confidence grew as I worked hard to step out of my comfort zone in many areas. I learned through experience that my music is about ministry – not me. *So, it was a good thing that my parents didn’t make me think it was all about me. I learned that my writing is about investing in others – not me. *Again, a good thing that my parents didn’t give me a false sense of superiority. I found that when my focus is on others, I’m a better person and I’m better at anything that I put my hand to! What IF my mother had told me I was the best when I wasn’t? What if my father had praised my work when it was shoddy. What IF my mother had wrapped her arms around me after I blew it at a state piano competition (which I did) and told me the judges messed up – and everyone knew that I should have won? What would that have done for me? What IF my mother had told me I was the prettiest girl in the room? I’ll tell you what IF… I’d be a monster! I would be the entitled woman in her late 50s today: bitter and angry at a world that doesn’t recognize my greatness like my parents did!

Where is this coming from? I’m frustrated!! I’m frustrated with the therapists and counselors of today who have absolutely no clue what it really means to have PTSD – and are telling young adults they have it because their mom and dad made them participate in something they didn’t want to participate in! I’m frustrated that therapists are telling young women struggling with eating disorders that their parents caused it by requiring that the family sit down for meals together. Yes – parents may have made decisions or had requirements that we disagreed with: but that does not cause PTSD. PTSD is a real thing suffered by people who have endured the unimaginable. Men and women who have lived through war where everyone around them died. Men and women who have lost limbs and more in deadly explosions. I’m frustrated with therapists and counselors of today who are telling teens and adults to separate themselves from those who have given their lives to love them because of something they struggled through together while growing up together. The Bible is clear concerning relationships – pain, wounds, wrongs – and how we are to handle them! I’m frustrated with therapists and counselors of today who do not understand the difference in abuse and mistakes made by well meaning parents. I’m frustrated beyond words. I’m frustrated that so many today are medicated for anxiety and “PTSD” because they’ve gone through the same life struggles that every generation before them has gone through – but aren’t choosing to “handle” their reactions and emotions.

Let me be clear. I was molested as a child by three different individuals at three different stages of my elementary and middle school years. I know the names of 2 of the perpetrators – and I have forgiven them long ago. I do not carry bitterness or PTSD from those experiences. Were there many things that I had to work through because of the actions of these men? Yes. Of course! But I realized in my early 20s that I had a decision to make: allow those experiences to define the rest of my adult life and marriage or work through the details and forgive all involved. I chose the latter. The “working through” is hard and is a personal journey but it is necessary.

Let me be clear again. I experienced some things in my growing up in a strict environment that I wish I hadn’t experienced. There were things said to me that I’ll probably never forget. There were things said to me that made me question Who God is and what being a Christian is really all about. I was punished in some situations for things I had no control over or wasn’t guilty of. Sometimes that punishment was severe. I realized some years ago that I had two choices concerning these things. Harbor bitterness or let it go and love the people involved who made mistakes but had no malice behind their actions. Society goes through cycles and each generation learns from the mistakes of the past as well as makes their own mistakes along the way!

Yeah – may I be clear here? I suffered a painful and heartbreaking miscarriage with my first baby that shook me to my core. There were people around me who said hurtful things and acted in ways that intensified the pain of the experience. For the most part, I felt alone and isolated in my grieving process. I realized pretty quickly that in these situations, no one really knows what to do or say – and to hold others accountable to understand my grief at that time was unreasonable! I had to buckle down personally and work through my grief and fear on my own. No one else was responsible for that.

And again – may I be clear? When I became a widow at 23 I questioned God quietly and loudly at times. I was treated poorly by some onlookers who didn’t understand my reaction or actions. There were even some really bad decisions made surrounding me that affect me still to this day – hurtful decisions. To be honest, I did carry a lot of hurt over many of these for a while and then I had to make a decision. There were many people suffering deeply immediately after Jonnie’s death. Decisions were made in the midst of pain that I’m sure no one realized would have such deep consequences for me. What good would it do for me to hold those against them for the rest of our lives? What IF they said hurtful things about me and my reactions? What IF they made decisions that didn’t consider me as Jonnie’s wife? Basically – SO WHAT!? Humans made mistakes that hurt me. LET IT GO! And what about questioning God? Yes, I still ask Him as humbly as I know how about many things – and then I acknowledge that He is God and I am not – and I accept all that He has allowed into my life without bitterness.

Yeah, I’m going to keep going here. Let’s continue to be clear. I’ve been falsely accused. I’ve had my motives falsely characterized. I’ve been robbed. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve had promises to me broken. I’ve been abandoned by those who said they loved me. I’ve been hurt by life. I won’t continue to list all fo the ways. But… my point is this: according to many of the therapists and counselors of today I am broken.

NO, I’m not broken. Let me clarify: we are all broken in the sense of lacking perfection because of sin. But broken by the difficulties of my life? Broken so that I’m fragile and incapable of loving and giving and serving and being used by God? Broken in the sense that I am no longer whole? Absolutely NOT!

I’m scarred. I’m bruised. I’m imperfect. I’m experienced. And I’m able to heal and allow God to use all of it in my life. IF I can release all of the humans involved in my scars, my bruises and my cracks. Wait a minute: I’m not only able to heal – but according to God’s Word: If I choose to respond God’s way; all of it can be used to refine me, to make me more like Christ, to make me more usable for His service, to make me more capable of loving, giving and serving.

Don’t get me wrong. Abuse is real. Trauma is real. There is a difference in evil people or selfish people who are so consumed with themselves that they continually hurt others and good peole who make mistakes htat hurt. Yes – separate yourself from those evil and selfish people! Choose to forgive but if they aren’t seeking forgiveness and have no intention of changing: stay away! But those people who are good humans, who love imperfectly and therefore have messed up along the way – God’s way is to pursue them. Lovingly talk about the hurts and if they seek forgiveness; FORGIVE and let it go and focus on who they are and not on the mistakes they’ve made.

In the process of doing this God’s way – not only do we find the blessing of personal healing, we discover the beauty in others that we once allowed our bitterness to cover.