ForgottenWoman

“Joy, you’ve changed! Why can’t you just be who you used to be? 

Some people say I’ve changed and when they say this – they aren’t seeing it as a good thing. But, they would be correct. I have changed – and hopefully continue to change!

Change is not something that I have chosen – it isn’t something that I have pursued. The change I’m talking about here happens deep within: when our core is shaken, when we realize that external trappings are not what matters. It happens when surface “goodness” begins to disgust us and we long for a deeper understanding of why we are even here! Yes, it happens when we realize that our righteousness is truly all about Christ’s righteousness placed upon us – ours being literally no better than filthy rags. It happens when we are faced with questions and decisions that take all of the “important things” of this world and set them aside, and highlight the most important question of all. Is God really God – or do I say I believe He is God but think and live as if I’m the god of my life (and I just happen to fit into the good little ‘christian’ girl category.)

6 weeks in a hospital bed; being told every single morning that the doctors cannot believe you are still alive, that you are foolish and that the decision you are making will cost you your life will change you. Being told daily for 6 weeks that your decision will leave your husband a widower and your 8 children motherless will change you. It will force you to question everything you’ve always said that you believe!

Why will it change you? Because there is no room for “I’m afraid to die and go to hell, so I’m going to do the Christian thing!” There is no room for “Mom and Dad believed in this Bible and living “like a Christian, so it’s good enough for me! There is no room for “I want those people in my Christian circle to think I’m a good person,” so I’m going to dress like this, listen to this, not say these words, and go to church every Sunday!” It takes the idea of being a Christian and living the Christian life to a place most of us don’t really ever think about going!

Weeks of reading Scripture, listening to worship music, praying for your family one by one, longing to see them, hold them, tell them everything is going to be alright – when you have no idea yourself – will change you! It will humble you. In fact, you don’t even think about all of the things that were so incredibly important before! Trusting 100% that the decision you are making is what God has called you to – when no one has been able to look you in the eye and tell you that they agree; and everyone seems to be questioning not only your decision but your sanity – will change you.

Coming to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter if your doctor understands, if other believers understand, if the world in general understands – you KNOW what has been required of you and you have determined to do it… well, when you realize that you’ve landed there – you realize that you are changed and you’re ok with it!

Living through what doctors still tell you was the most horrific night of “life-saving” efforts that they can remember will not only change you, but it will be a reminder for years to come of that change! Waking up in ICU to an atheist doctor telling you that “Someone” else was in that operating room, because we could not save you’…. will not only change you, but it will be a reminder for years to come of what really matters. It will remind you 20+ years later of all that you set aside to pursue what God values. Sitting in a wheelchair and having the tiniest human you have ever laid eyes on (with wires and chords coming out of every part of him) placed in the crook of your elbow and realizing that THIS is why you stood firm – will change you. Going through the next few months trying to balance bringing a normalcy back to life for your other 8 children and living constantly in the NICU – again being told that your baby will probably not make it – will change you!

It will humble you so dramatically because you have no choice but to acknowledge that you cannot handle this! You’re good little Christian girl self cannot handle this! Your family is suffering, and you can do nothing to change it is humbling – there are no Mom books out there that tell you how to do this. How to meet the needs of so many people while recovering yourself – well, there are no human answers. That will change you.

All of this and the hollow stares of people who I thought were my friends, my Christian heroes/leaders who were uncomfortable with my talking about what God had done caused something inside of me to snap, and I realized that God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, had walked me through another life experience that, yes, has changed my entire perspective. There is SO MUCH MORE to this Christian life than I’ve ever realized!

No, I’m not the same person. I don’t carry the same man-made burdens that I used to carry. I don’t think the way I used to think. I bear the scars and wounds of life-changing experiences (the one described above and others that I cannot publicly share), and I often walk a very lonely road because of the change in my priorities and way of thinking. I’m an odd bird and I know that – but as I tell my Father almost daily; I will bodly proclaim His mighty works in my heart and life and I will boldly encourage anyone who will listen to me to live in light of eternity, to invest in the lives of others daily, to pour myself into loving like Jesus because that’s why we are here!

Yes, there have been so many moments in life that literally changed me from the inside out and continue to challenge my thinking and understanding, and choices! While I can’t share all of them, I can point to them. I can feel the emotions and the physical responses that I had at the time of each… These moments make up our lives – and if we allow them to, they change us. I KNOW I’ve been changed, and while the new and changing me makes some uncomfortable, I don’t ever want to stop growing and changing!

There are a few more of those moments that I’ll touch on here. A major one was on a dark night in 1987. The sudden death of Jonnie (my first husband) forever changed me. My relationship with my Heavenly Father became REAL! The reality of eternal life became just that – reality… The sudden responsibility of all details of life for myself and my two sons hit me like a semi and I was required to just step up and do it. Another one was just a few months later when I learned of my father’s terminal illness. I was forever changed as I left my home and walked around the grocery store looking into the eyes of everyone I saw and forcing myself to think: “You don’t know what is going on in their lives and they don’t know about yours! Look around – get your eyes off of your circumstances and serve others!” I’m sure that all mothers reading would agree with me when I say that the birth of each of my children changed me. There is something inside of a woman that is required to change if she is to take on the role of Mother in a life, and she feels it with each new life placed in her care! There was the experience I just shared with you and wrote my first book about – the birth of my youngest son, and there are the experiences of my 30-year marriage with my husband and how it ended abruptly as he walked away and never looked back.

All of these things force change! All of these things not only leave wounds, scars, eternal marks on who we are… they force us to evaluate life – all of it.

No longer is “organized religion and Christian fellowship” enough for me. No longer is a list of rules to adhere to enough for me. No longer is the idea of Christian principles that make me more pleasing in the eyes of God enough for me. No longer is a comfortable church with comfortable pews filled with people who are just alike enough for me. No longer is living my Christian life within my little circle sufficient for me. No longer is quoting Scripture and forcing myself to “believe it” enough for me. No longer are songs without an emotional response enough for me. (Yes, music moves me!) No longer is intellectual Christianity enough for me. No longer do I care where you disagree with me on minor doctrinal or preference issues.

What matters? Jesus Christ, the Son of God, died because you and I are sinners in need of a Savior – a bridge to a Holy God. He created me for the purpose of having a relationship with Him. He saved me for the purpose of loving others to Him. I trust Him. I obey Him. My deepest desire is to know Him and to honor Him with the very essence of my heart, with my very motives, my thoughts, reaching into the lives of others: loving as He loves – no matter what! And yes, no matter if I’m loved in return! I’ve been changed. Yes. The truth of Who God is, what He can do, and that His love overshadows all doubt… well, that is life-changing.

Full transparency: I’m feeling “underwater” today. Some days, regardless of what we have experienced and learned, regardless of how often our Father has shown Himself faithful in our lives, we, in our human-ness, feel discouraged, alone, defeated, unloved, and forsaken. We feel overwhelmed with life on this earth, and we need to sit down and remind ourselves that God is God, and we are not. He is at work, and we must trust Him. He doesn’t cause us to be hurt, betrayed, or forgotten, but if it has happened, He has allowed it. I’m reminding myself this morning, and I’m reminding you!

You’ve had your own life-altering moments – pause today and ask Him to use them to change you to be more like Him, to love Him better and serve Him better, and trust Him more. That’s what I’m doing today.